Just Golf

THE GOLF LOVING HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the Ryder Cup.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him..
"No", he says, "the seat is empty."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Ryder Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the golfing world and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me.
My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away.
This is the first Ryder Cup we haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible.
I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head........

"No. They're all at the funeral."

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Three elderly golfers are walking down the fairway.
"Sixty is the worst age to be," says the 60-year-old, "You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens."
"Ah, that's nothing," says the 70-year-old. "When you're 70, you don't have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the lavatory all day and nothing happens."
"Actually," says the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asks the 60-year-old.
"No, I pee every morning at 6.00 am. I pee like a racehorse ... no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble having a bowel movement?"
"No, I have one every morning at 6.30 am."
Puzzled by this, the 60-yar-old says, "Let's get this straight. You pee every morning at 6.00 am and poop every morning at 6.30 am. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until seven."

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ADVICE FROM A RETIRED 'Golf' HUSBAND:
It is important for men to remember that as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.
My name is John. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Anne to get a full-time job along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.
Although she knows how hungry I am after a good game of golf, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the golf club restaurant so eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating, but now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining. I think. For example she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour.
But, boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any -- if you know what I mean. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Anne. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.

Signed, John

EDITOR'S NOTE:
John died suddenly on February 7 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife, Anne, was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defense that John, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

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Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband

Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused.

The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on

Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesday, I play golf.

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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying:"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy Moley, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the otherside."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say:"God bless Mommy and goodbye Daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. this morning. My golf pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

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A man and his wife walked into a dentist's office.
The man said to the dentist, "Doc, I'm in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don't have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it!
We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already... I don't have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!'
The dentist thought to himself, "My goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain."
So the dentist asks him, "Which tooth is it sir?"
The man turned to his wife and said, "Open your mouth, honey, and show him."

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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.

He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.

Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!

She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.

With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.

He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"

"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.

Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."

Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.

He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"

At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"

With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!

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Two men were playing golf on a course right next to a cemetery.  After they teed off, one of them noticed a funeral procession passing by.  So he takes off his hat, places it over his heart and bows his head.  When the funeral is over the other golfer looks at his friend and asks 'That was a very nice gesture, why did you do it?'  The man replies ' Well, we were married for almost 40 years.  It is the least that I could do'

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An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said, "Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there's something I have to know.  In all of these 50 years have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Martha replied, "Well Henry, I have to be honest with you.  Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason."
Henry was obviously hurt by his wife's confession, but said, "I never suspected.  Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons?'"
Martha said, "The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage.  Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?"
Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that.  You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Martha asked, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed?  Well I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge."
"I recall that," said Henry.  "And you did it to save my life, so I of course I can forgive you for that.  Now tell me about the third time."
"All right", Martha said.  "So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
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A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, 'I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us.' So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door.

A warm voice said, 'Come on in.' When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done:
glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window.

A large man reclining on the couch asked, 'Are you the people that broke my window?'

Uh..yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that,' the husband replied.

Oh, no apology is necessary.

Actually I want to thank you.

You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years.

Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes.

I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself.'

Wow, that's great!' the husband said.

He pondered a moment and blurted out, I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.'

No problem,' said the genie. 'You've got it, it's the least I can do.

And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life! And now you, young lady, what do you want?' the genie asked.

I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world,' she said.

'Consider it done' the genie said.

'And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!'

And now,' the couple asked in unison, 'What's your wish, genie?'

Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to make love with your wife!'

The husband looked at his wife and said,

'Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?'

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, 'You know, you're right.

Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?'

'You know I love you sweetheart,' said the husband. 'I'd do the same for you!'

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable.

After about three hours of non-stop love, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, 'How old are you and your husband?'

Why, we're both 35,' she responded breathlessly.

'No Kidding.' he said,

'Thirty-five years old .............and both of you still believe in genies?'

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A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.
Naturally, the doctor asks him what happened.
Well, it was like this", said the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our ball into a
pasture of cows. We went to look for them, and while I was rooting around noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."
I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's backside."
"That's when I made my big mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor. "
"Well, I lifted the cow's tail and yelled to my wife,
'Hey, this looks like yours!'.
I don't remember much after that."

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"
The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."
"Hey George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"
The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firemen.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."
The group was silent and respectful for a moment.
The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my colleagues and see if there's anything he can do for sight."
The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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After George was hired into a new job, his fellow employees, who always met for a round of golf every Saturday, invited him to join them. They asked George to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. George replied that he would love to meet them, but that he may be 6 minutes late.
On Saturday morning George was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round.
Following Saturday rolls around, and George says that he will be there, but again says he may be 6 minutes late. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed and wins the round. This continues for the next few weeks, with George always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.
The other employees were getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''George, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf either right handed or left handed, and always win. What's up with that?
George replied, ''Well, I'm a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping on her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
''Well,'' one of the employees questioned, ''what happens if she is lying on her back?''
George replies, ''Then I'm 6 minutes late.''

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