A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?" Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
_______________
MALE VS. BLONDE AT THE ATM MACHINE
A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:
'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines
enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.
Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures
outlined below when accessing their accounts.
After months of careful research, "MALE &BLONDE" procedures have been
developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.
*******************************
BLONDE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of cheque book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided!
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.
______________________
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little yellow bug and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde's driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like"?' she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it".
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it, and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.. .'
_____________________________________
EXPOSURE
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast
hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says, "Ma'am, are you
aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure? She says, "Why officer?"
"Because your breast is hanging out." He says.
She looks down and says, "OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!"
XMAS STAMPS
A blonde goes to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?" The clerk says,
"What denomination?" The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this?
Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterians, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."
AUTO REPAIR
A blonde pushes her BMW into the main agent. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburettor."
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he
could see her licence.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it
to you!"
RIVER WALK
A blonde is out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank.
"Yoo-hoo!" she shouts, "How can I get to the other side?"
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back,
"You ARE on the other side."
KNITTING
A policeman pulled alongside a speeding car on the motorway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel
was knitting!
Realising that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the officer
cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled,
"PULL OVER!"
"NO!" the blonde yelled back, "IT'S A SCARF!"
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, "We were the first in space!"
The American said, "We were the first on the moon!"
The Blonde said, "So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!"
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
"You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!" said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, "We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!"
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn.
She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked,
"Is it on or off?"
FINAL EXAM
The blonde reported for her university final examination that consists of yes/no
type questions.
She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for
five minutes and then, in a fit of inspiration, takes out her purse, removes a
coin and starts tossing the coin, marking the answer sheet:
Yes, for Heads, and No, for Tails.
Within half an hour she is all done, whereas the rest of the class is still
sweating it out.
During the last few minutes she is seen desperately throwing the coin, muttering
and sweating. The examiner, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on.
"I finished the exam in half an hour, but now I'm rechecking my answers."
PARKING BLONDES
A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the
loan officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow
$5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so
the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and
everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the
loan!
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for
using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of
the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and
parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which
comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and
this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a
multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?
The blonde replies . . . ."Where else in New York City can I park my car for two
weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"
THE BET
Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar at 9:58 pm.
He sat down next to a beautiful blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10 pm news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"
Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a £20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob, saying,
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."
Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 pm news, and so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied, "I did too, but didn't think he'd do it again."
Bob took the money.
WATCH DOGS
A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that
one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, "Whoever
heard of someone naming dogs like that?"
"HELLLOOOOOOO......," answered the blond. "They're watch dogs!"
DISTANCE
Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one
blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away... Florida
or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????"
EXPLAIN YOURSELF
A blind man wanders into an all girls biker bar by mistake.
He
finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, "Hey, you want to
hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that
joke, I think it is only fair -- given that you are blind-- that you should know
five things:
1. The bartender is a blond girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6 foot tall, 175 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
Now, think about it seriously.
Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters,
"No ... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.
GAP YEAR BLONDE
A blonde went into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother
overseas.
When the man told her it would cost £300, she exclaimed: "I don't have any
money.
But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother."
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).
"Anything?" he asked.
"Yes, yes, anything" the blonde promised.
"Well, then, Just follow me" said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
" Come in and close the door" the man said.
She did.
He then said "Now get on your knees."
She did.
"Now take down my zipper."
She did.
"Now go ahead ... take it out....." He said.
She reached in and grabbed it with both hands
Then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered ..
"Well ... go ahead."
The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to
her lips, ... ..tentatively said ....
"Hello. Mom, can you hear me?"
