Just Jokes

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress hire company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.
The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg, you will look just right as a pirate."
The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
"Dear Sir, Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit.
The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part."
The man is really incandescent with rage now as the firm have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head.
So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
"Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your back side and go as a toffee apple."

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Wanda's dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you a check ."
"Oh, by the way don't worry about my dog Spike, he won't bother you.
But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"
"I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!"
When the repairman arrived at Wanda's apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.
But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.
The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"
To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Spike!"

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A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast.  They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me."
She replies, "If your private parts are as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221"

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One night, as a couple lays down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.
The wife turns over and says "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh."
The husband, rejected, turns over.
A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again.
"Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

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A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant's office and tells him that she needs help to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number,
etc. And then asks, "What is your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "No,
No, No, that won't work. Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl."
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm a chicken farmer."
The accountant asks , "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is. "

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Bill worked in a pickle factory.
He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion.
He had an urge to stick his private parts into the pickle slicer.
His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed.
He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.
"What's wrong, Bill ?" she asked.
"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my private parts into the pickle slicer?"
"Oh, Bill , you didn't" she exclaimed.
"Yes, I did." he replied.
"Oh dear, Bill , what happened?"
"I got fired."
" No , Bill . I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"
"Oh...she got fired too."
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A couple had been married for 50 years.
They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."
"I know," the old man said. "We were probabl y sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago."
"Well," Granny snickered. "Let's relive some old times."
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.
"You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."
"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps.
"One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal."

The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95.
BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision.
US Navy : Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision
BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision
US Navy : This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: Negative I say again divert your course.
US Navy : THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER 'USS LINCOLN' THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET.
WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
British reply below ..........
BRITISH : But we are a lighthouse.

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"Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?" St. Peter says, "That's a question which only God can answer."
So the zebra goes off in search of God.
When he finds Him, the zebra asks , "God, please - I must know.
Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?"
God simply replies "You are what you are."
The zebra then returns to see St. Peter once more, and St. Peter asks him,
"Well, did God straighten out your query for you?"
The zebra looks puzzled.
"No, he says, God simply said "You are what you are."
St.Peter smiles and says to the zebra, "Well then, there you are.You are white with black stripes."
The zebra then asks St. Peter, "How do you know that for certain?" "Because,"
said St. Peter, "If you were black with white stripes,
God would have said, "You is what you is."

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A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop.
After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat.
It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway.
He took it to the owner and said: 'How much is this bronze rat?'
The owner replied: 'It's '12 for the rat, and '100 for the story.'
The tourist gave the owner his '12 and said: 'I'll just take the rat, You can keep the story.'
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him.
This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed & ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he Looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster & faster.
By now very concerned, he ran to down the pier and threw the bronze Rat far out into the water.
Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said: 'Ah, you've come back for the story then?'
'No,' said the tourist, 'I came back to see if you've got any bronze fundamentalists, a couple of immigrants, a politician, a bureaucrat, a Chelsea supporter, and anything French!'

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There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser. He told his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.
When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, "I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."
The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I can't go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?"
"I did," said the wife. "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it."

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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman.
He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"
"No," he replies, "Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it."
The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"
Bond explains, " It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."
The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"
"Well, it says you're not wearing any under wear...."
The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I do have under wear on!"
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, "The thing is an hour fast."

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I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Tesco and was in the queue to pay.
A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? Duh...On impulse, I told her "no", and that I was starting The Pedigree Diet again.
Although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds
before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it
works is to load your trouser pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or
two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story.
Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her "Hell no, I'd been sitting in the street licking my private parts when a truck hit me".

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One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.
Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work. Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see! me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously..
Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes.
The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not.
At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"
I fainted!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Three competing Church Ministers - Church of England, Pentecostal, Rabbi - were discussing their duties and the various benefits of their different religious approaches.
They decided that ordinary congregations were insufficiently taxing for an exhaustive competition.
So they agreed to fly to Canada to test their skills on bears in the wilds.
All ended in hospital.
The C of E minister, all bandaged and with limbs broken, said that after a good fight with a grizzly he managed to cover the animal with his Holy Water and finally convert him to the calm of Christianity.
The Pentecostal churchman was even more badly damaged, but had after a huge fight had rolled his grizzly into a nearby creek and baptized him under the water - thus calming him and converting him to Christianity.
The Rabbi was almost on death's door with bandaging, drips and tubes everywhere. When questioned in intensive care about the outcome of his mission with his bear he murmured:-
'On deeper reflection he felt that his initial approach was wrong and given another chance he would not attempt circumcision!'

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Dallas ATC: "Tower to Saudi Air 911--You are cleared to land eastbound on runway 9R."
Saudi Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. Acknowledge cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R -Allah be Praised !!"
Dallas ATC "Tower to Iran Air 711--You are cleared to land westbound on runway 9R."
Iran Air: "Thank you Dallas ATC. We are cleared to land on infidel's runway 9R. -Allah is Great !!"
Pause: Static.............
Saudi Air: "DALLAS ATC! DALLAS ATC!!!"
Dallas ATC: "Go ahead Saudi Air 911?"
Saudi Air: "YOU HAVE CLEARED BOTH OUR AIRCRAFT FOR THE SAME RUNWAY GOING IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS!!! WE ARE ON A COLLISION COURSE!!! INSTRUCTIONS PLEASE!!!
Dallas ATC: Well, bless your hearts. Y'all be careful now, and tell Allah "hey" for us -- ya hear?"
Moral: (DON'T MESS WITH TEXAS ! )

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A young Plymouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her.
"You have so much to live for," said the sailor. " - Look, I'm off to America tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take care of you, bring you food everyday, and keep you happy."
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to America, the woman accepted.
That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn.
Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.
"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to America. Plus he's 'taking advantage' of me."
"He certainly is taking advantage of you," replied the captain. "This is the Dover to Calais Ferry".

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Tommy Cooper Jokes
1. Two blondes walk into a building..........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.
2. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts.
The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
12. 'Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home'
"That soundslike Tom Jones syndrome.
'Is it common?'
"It's not unusual."
13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. "My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," said the vet, "let's have a look at him"
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy"
14. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside."
"How's that?"
"Don't you start."
15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
16. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?"
I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think its Colin.
19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "Your round." The other one says "So are you, you fat bast**d!"
20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
21. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places"
The doctor said, "Well don't go there anymore"
23. Ireland's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night

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The Pope and Rabbi Debate...
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert, or leave Italy.
There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader
of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, Moishe spoke no
Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, so they all agreed that it would be a "silent" debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other a full minute before the Pope raised his hand. He showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back. He raised one finger.
Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.
The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple
With that, the Pope stood up and declared he was beaten.
Rabbi Moishe was too clever and the Jews could stay.
When asked what happened.
The Pope said, "First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still but one God common to both our beliefs.
"Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins.
"He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.
He had me beaten, and I could not continue."
Meanwhile, the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe.
"How did you win the debate?" they asked.
"I haven't a clue," said Moishe. "First, he tells me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.
Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him 'We're staying right here.'"
"Then what happened?" asked a woman.
"Who knows?" said Moishe. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine."

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A man was flying from Seattle. The plane had a layover in Sacramento.
The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft, the plane would re-board in one hour.
Everybody got off the plane except one gentleman who was blind.
Another man noticed him as he walked by and could tell the gentleman was blind because his guide dog lay quietly underneath the seat in front of him throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell he had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached him, and calling him by name, said, "Keith, we're in Sacramento for an hour, would you like to get off and stretch your legs?
"The blind man replied, "No thanks, but maybe my dog would like to stretch his legs."
OK, picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog. The pilot was even wearing sunglasses.
Passengers scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they tried to change airlines.
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There are 3 balloons, mummy, daddy and baby balloon. Every night the baby balloon sneaks in to the parents bed and goes to sleep in between them. Anyway it comes to the time when the parents have had enough and tell the now young balloon that enough is enough and he has to promise to stay in his own room. The young balloon regrettably agrees to this and goes to his room.
When night comes he sneaks into his parents room and tries to get in the middle like usual but his parents have spread out and there's no room, so he thinks I know if I let some air out of
my Dad then I should get in......so he lets some air out of his Dad and tries again, still he wont fit, so he thinks I'll let some air out of Mum, does so and he still cant quite fit, so he then decides to let some
air out of himself and squeezes in and has a fantastic warm sleep. In the morning Daddy balloon wakes up and is infuriated and asks his son why he has broken his promise and the son replies that he cant sleep in his room, the father sighs resignedly and says do you realise what you have done?.....well do you?............Wait for it.....................
You've let me down, you've let your Mum down, and worst of all you've let yourself down

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Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a
sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them
would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos.
Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage.
Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up......
Then all the other bells started to ring.

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 A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?"! he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina
is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. I'm sorry" she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you." "I don't even know your name?"
"Tonto... Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Tex."

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Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The quite smaller one turned to the quite bigger one and said, "I jes can't unnerstand hows you kin be so much bigger'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "What you been eatin', boy?"
"Politicians - same as you," replied the small 'gator. "Hmmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?" "Down 'tother side of the old swamp near The parkin' lot by the capitol."
"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?" "Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jumps out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the crap out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. Ya see, by the time you get done shakin' the crap out of a politician, there ain't nothin' left but a backside and a briefcase."

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A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.
         He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"
         She replies "I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!"
         His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, "Crumbs!" he says "are you that fabulous stripogram on my stag night that I made love to on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your gorgeous mate whipped me with some wet celery and a cucumber?"
"No" she replies, "I'm your son's English Teacher"

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The Prime Minister was visiting a school; the teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy."
So the PM asked the class for an example of a "tragedy."
One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him,
that would be a tragedy."
"No," said the PM, "that would be an accident."
A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."
"I'm afraid not." explained the PM. "That's what we would call a great loss."
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. The PM searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?"
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: "If an aircraft carrying you, Prime Minister, was struck by a
"friendly fire" missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the PM. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"
"Well," says the boy, "it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either."

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A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a 4-hour operation.
A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your hands and feet."
He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them!"
The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, "That was really nice, but listen very, very closely, I will say this only one more time"
"Are...my...test...results...back?"

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A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks the cost of a tooth extraction.
"$85 for an extraction, sir," was the dentist's reply.
"Och,. .have ye no got anything cheaper," replies the Scotsman, getting agitated.
"But that's the normal charge for an extraction, sir," said the dentist.
"What about if ye dint use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman, hopefully.
"Well it's highly unusual, sir, and it could be quite painful, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70," said the dentist.
"Hmmmm, what if yer used one of your dentist trainees, and still with no anaesthetic?" said the Scotsman.
"Well it's possible, but they are in training, and I can't guarantee their professionalism, and it will be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40," said the dentist.
"Och.., that's still a bit much, how about if you make it a training session and have your student do the extraction with the other students watchin and learnin," said the Scotsman, hopefully.
"Hmmmm, well OK, it'll be good for the students, I suppose. In that case I'll charge you only $5," said the dentist.
"Now yer talking laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can you confirm an appointment for me wife on Tuesday?"

________________________________________________________

A report has been received that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick  were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the  A1 Great North Road, between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse.
In early May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists  on the Edinburgh to London trunk road.
One of the unnamed officers used the  device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill
He was somewhat surprised to find that the speed recorded was off the scale, in  excess of 300 mph.
The machine had then seized up and could not be reset by the  bemused PCs.
The radar had in fact latched onto a NATO Tornado aircraft in the  North Sea, which was taking part in a low flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland.
Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of Lothian &  Borders police to the RAF Liaison Office, it was revealed that the officers  could be classed as 'very fortunate'! The tactical computer on board the
Tornado had not only detected and jammed the hostile radar equipment, but had  automatically armed a Sidewinder Air-to-Ground Missile, ready to neutralise the perceived threat.  Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to
over-ride the automatic protection system before the missile launched.
The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood that officers will be advised to point the radar guns inland, in future.

_________________________________

Years ago I had a friend who told rather tall stories. He said he was walking down Piccadilly one day when he came to a traffic jam.
One of the stationary vehicles in it was a large royal motor car in which were George V and Queen Mary.
As he passed it he heard her say to the King, 'Sit up George, and look like a king',  to which he replied, 'If you don't stop nagging, I'll get out and walk.'

____________________________________________

The sitting in the House of Lords had just finished and, as one of the lords came out of the chamber, he met a member of the House of Commons who knew him and said to him, 'You're a fraud aren't you?'
'Why me?' asked the peer. 'Because you have spent the afternoon debating public transport about which you know nothing.
You have never been on a London bus or on the underground.'
The peer gave some thought to this criticism admitted to himself that it was true, and to remedy it.
He went out of the Palace of Westminster, saw a stationary bus and jumped onto it without bothering to look at the number.
The conductor came along and asked him, 'Where to, sir?'
'63a Belgrave Square, please,' answered the peer.

________________________________________________

Sir, I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for and we could all use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on recent talk programme I have finally found inner peace.
A well respected doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle Sauvignan Blanc, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Sambucca, a packet of chocolate digestives, the remainder of the Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake and a box of mints.  You have no idea how good I feel.

_________________________________________________

A Scotsman climbs to the top of the highest mountain to get closer to talk to God.
Looking up, he ask 'Lord, what does a million years mean to you?'
The Lord replies, 'A minute'
The Scotsman asks 'And what does a million pounds mean to you?'
The Lord replies 'A penny'
The Scotsman asks 'Can I have a penny?'
The Lord replies 'In a minute'

______________________________

Phil goes on holiday and leaves his favourite dog with his brother James. 
While away, Phil phones his brother to see how his dog is. Tersely, James says: The dog is dead.' 
What? says Phil, 'you can't just tell someone without warning, you have to break the news gently. 
'How?' asks James 
'Well, the first time I call, say the dog is on the roof, that it's doing fine and not to worry. 
The next time say she jumped off the roof and broke a leg, that she's OK, but will have to stay at the vet's. Are you getting this?' 
'Yes' says James. 
'Good' says Phil. 'The next time I call, tell me the dog's wounds were infected and it died. 
Then it won't be such a shock to me, Got it?' 
'Yes' says James. 
By the way, says Phil. 'How's grandma doing?' 
Well' James says, 'she's on the roof.......

________________________________________

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."
"What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They only know how to say, "Hi, we're hookers. Want to have some fun?"
"That's terrible!" the priest exclaimed, "but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray"
"Thank you!" the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest's house.
His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.
The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, "Hi, we're hookers, want to have some fun?" One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says, 
"Put the beads away, George. Our prayers have been answered."

___________________________

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's fundamentals.
In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
*Ting-a-ling*
"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness."
The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
*Ting-a-ling*
"Joseph, Joseph, "sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate.
Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.
"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. 
"Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."
*Ting-a-ling*

_____________________________

A Welshman, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck.
They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch
the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds , the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking even better to the Welshman.
Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. 
But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm away. 
After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks past, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. 
The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Welshman had ever seen. 
She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. 
When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening ritual. 
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. 
Perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get "those feelings" again. 
He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously he whispered in her ear......
"Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"

_________________________________

A man goes to the doctors and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me, it's my leg - it keeps shouting at me and demanding money" 
The doctor puts his stethoscope at the top of the man's leg and listens. 
The leg shouts "Give me '20! Go on, please, I'm skint. 
The doctor jumps back in amazement. 
He does the same at the knee and it asked for '15 and then the ankle and is asked for '10. 
The doctor turns to the man and says, "I've never seen anything like this in all my career, but I can tell you what's wrong. 
Your leg is broke in three places"

_______________________

A man walks into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms. 
Laughing, he thanks the chemist and leaves. 
The man repeats this for the next 2 weeks. 
Again, laughing and thanking the chemist. 
Becoming suspicious, the chemist asks his assistant to follow the man and see where he goes. 
When he returns, he's laughing and tells the chemist 
'Your House'

_____________________________________

Mary and Sheila were outside their old people's nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.
Sheila pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Mary: What's that?
Sheila: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Mary: Where did you get it?
Sheila: You can get them at any chemist.
The next day, Mary hobbles into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Mary: Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted.

______________________________________

A woman goes into a Pet Shop and sees the most fantastic parrot ever.
She asks how much it is.
The Guy says It not for sale its been causing problems because of language, which probably comes from where it used to live.
The woman insists saying she is not bothered by the swearing etc.
Offers the guy '300, he takes it, and she leaves with the parrot.
The parrot gets to the house, settles in and says 'Ah new house, New Madam'
The woman thinks ah this parrot used to live in a brothel...not so bad.
With that her 2 daughters arrive and the parrot says 'Ah New house, New Girls'
They all titter and think its quite funny
Then the husband comes home and the parrot says 'Hi Andy how are you doing?'

_______________________________________

A man goes to work with both his ears bandaged. His boss asks: What happened?
The man says: I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.
'And what happened to the other ear?
Well, I had to call the doctor.

____________________________________

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60.
Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the hell she is.

_________________________________

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. "In honour of this holy season," Saint Peter said, "you must each  possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven." The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. "You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells" .. Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates." The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolise?" The man replied, "They're Carols"

_________________________________

A man was sent to court for drunk and disorderly conduct.
The judge enquired where the defendant worked.
"Here and there," he replied.
"And what do you do for a living?"
"This and that" came the answer.
The judge turned to a policeman and instructed him to take the man straight to jail.
Wait" implored the accused, "when will I come out?"
"Sooner or later" was the reply.

_____________________________________

Shipwrecked on an island were a young wife, her boorish husband and a good looking sailor.
One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled,  'Stop making love down there!'
"What's the matter with you?" asked the husband when he sailor came back down.  "We weren't making love."
"Sorry" said the sailor, "from up there it looked as if you were."
Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the tree and yelled the same thing.
Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top;
"He's right" said the husband. "It does look as if they're making love down there."

_____________________________

A man is sitting at a bar drowning his sorrows, when the barman asks why he's so glum.  He explains that he is going to live in Australia and that his friends are throwing a big party. There'll be singing and dancing all through the night. They've even laid on a firework display.  "But why would that depress you?" asked the bemused barman.
"Well," the man replied, "I haven't been invited."

__________________________________

Recipe for Happiness
1 A good looking partner
2 A good sexual partner
3 A frugal partner
4 That they never meet!

____________________________________________

The Managing Director calls solicitor and asks:
"How much would you charge me to answer three questions?"
Lawyer: "Four hundred pounds."
M.D : "That's a lot of money isn't it?"
Lawyer : What is your third question?

__________________________

Plane waiting to take off . All passengers are safley aboard. Delay is for pilots. Pilots arrive with white stick and guide dog. Passengers laugh, but are anxious. As plane goes down runway towards sea, they all scream, but plane takes off. Passengers settle back down assuming they were over anxious. Later in flight the pilot turns to co-pilot and says 'You know one of these days we won't be so lucky ...... and the passengers won't scream!'

________________________________

Guy gets hit on head by wife. 'What is that for?' he says
'I found a note in your trousers with Mary Lou on it.'
'That is name of horse I bet on.' Says husband
'Oh so sorry.' Says wife.
Hit again on head days later.
'What is that for ?'  shouts husband
'Your horse rang!'

____________________________________

Walking in bear country can be dangerous.
Wear bells and carry pepper spray.
Note bear droppings. Brown bears have berries and squirrel fur in them.
Grizzlies have bells and pepper spray in them.

_________________________

The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was 'against' it. A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes , came in late. She strode down the centre of the aisle, close to the front, and sat down. It was plain to the preacher that he had lost a little over 100% of the men in his audience to this voluptuous object. He shook a fist at her and said,
"You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts, and not good thoughts.
But I am a man of God!
You don't affect me, and right now up in Heaven, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!!"

_______________________________

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it. The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands' blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.

______________________________________

A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. "I know you've been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?" The husband replied, "Look, I don't want to upset you, there were many. Let's just leave it alone."
The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in.
"Let's see." he said "There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine..."

___________________

A man takes his wife to the county agricultural show. They start heading
down the stalls that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull's stall states: "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "He mated 50 times in a year, isn't that nice!."
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: "This bull mated  65 times last year."
The wife turns to her husband and says, "This one mated 65 times last year.
That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!" They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: "This bull mated 365  times last year."
The wife's mouth drops open and says, "Wow! He mated 365 times last  year. That is once a day! You could really learn from this one."
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, "Go up and ask if it was the same cow every day."

_______________________

Ahkmed the Arab came to the United States from the poorest part of the Middle East,  and he  was only there a few months when he became very ill.
He went to doctor after doctor, but none of them could help him.
Finally, he went to an Arab doctor who said, "Take dees bocket, go into de odder room, poop in de bocket, pee on de poop, and den put your head down over de bocket and breathe in de fumes for ten minutes."
Ahkmed took the bucket, went into the other room, pooped in the bucket, peed on the poop, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.
Coming back to the doctor he said, "It worked. I feel terrific! What was wrong with me?"
The doctor said, "You were homesick"

__________________________________


Zebra going to Heaven wondering if he was a white Zebra with black stripes or may be a black Zebra with white stripes. St Peter could not help so he suggested Angel Gabriel who could not help either. They suggested God could help. On his way back from God the Zebra passed St Peter and said he was really none the wiser as God had told 'You are who you are' Well said St Peter that is perfectly clear you are a white Zebra with black stripes. Why? said the Zebra
'Well' said St Peter if you had been a black Zebra with white stripes God would have said 'You is who you is, Mon'

______________________

A young Jewish couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen.
With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his
rather small private parts. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, "Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem."
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.
"Gee, mommy," the boy exclaimed. "All for me?"
"Just take one," his mother replied. "The rest are for your father."

________________________

Jim and Jean decided that the only way to pull off any Sunday afternoon peace together with their nine-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance
just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Smiths have company," he called out, "Matt's riding a new bike and the Sanders are in their bedroom."
Jim and Jean shouted out "How do you know that?"
"Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied

__________________________________

A couple, both age 78, went to a therapist's office.
The doctor asked,
"What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said,
"There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them '50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not really trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges '90. The Hilton charges '80. We do it here for '50, and I get '43 back from BUPA."

____________________________________

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off.
Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya think you're doing?".
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.
"Sheila," he says "Not only are
you great in bed, but you're a real sport too." and drives off.

_________________________________


FROM AN AUTHENTIC LETTER SENT TO DEAR DEIRDRE ADVICE COLUMN
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South Auckland and one of my sisters, who lives in Rotorua, is married to a guy from Cairns. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in prison for the rape & murder of a teenage boy, the other currently being held on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time "working girl" in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fianc'e utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fianc'e and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Aussie ?

__________________________________

A man calls home to his wife and says, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends.
We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please  pack my new blue silk pyjamas." The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but  otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, "Yes! Lot's of Walleye, some Blue gill, and a few Pike.
But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?"
The wife replies "I did, they were in your tackle box."

__________________________________

A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check up. The doctor asked him how he's feeling. The 90-year-old says, "I've never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?" The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins, "I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime bear sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, 'Bang, bang and the bear fell over dead. What do you think of that?"
The 90-year-old said, "I'd say somebody else shot that bear."
The doctor replied..... "My point exactly."

______________________________________

The Smiths were unable to conceive children, and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the "father" was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said, I'm off. The man should be here soon."
          Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. I've come to...."
          "Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
          "Really?" the photographer asked. "Well, good! I've made a specialty of babies."
          "That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.
           After a moment she asked blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
          "Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed.
           Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!"
          "Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
          "Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
          "My, that's a lot of ..." gasped Mrs. Smith.
          "Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
          "Don't I know it,," Mrs. Smith said quietly.
          The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus."
          "Oh my goodness!!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
          "And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
          "She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
          "Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
          "Four and five deep? " asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
          "Yes,," the photographer said. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
          Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, um..equipment ?"
          "That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
          "Tripod??"
          "Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold very long.
           Madam? ...... Madam? ..... Good Lord, she's fainted!!"

____________________________

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a caf', the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 yrs ago? We left this caf', went round the corner behind the gas works, and we made passionate love."
"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.
"Well, for old times' sake, let's go there again, and try again."
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the caf'. A young man sitting next to them has overheard their conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to follow the two old pensioners.
He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady gets herself ready and the reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic action the man has ever seen. The little old folk set  a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.
Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this - not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.
Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself "If only I could carry on like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves.
Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioners.
He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody act like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Was it like that 50 years ago?"
The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fence wasn't electrified!"

_________________________________

The Burgs' were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Burg made it clear he was in a big hurry.
"No fancy stuff, Doctor," he ordered.
"No gas or needles or any of that stuff.
Just pull the tooth and get it over with."
"I wish more of my patients were as easy as you," said the dentist. "Now, which tooth is it?"
Mr. Burg turned to his wife Bonnie.
"Show him your tooth, Honey."

____________________________________


A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.
He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die: "Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he's in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Do not burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.  "If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."
On the way home the husband asked his wife , "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die." she replied.

_______________________

John invited his mother over for dinner to meet his roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate that met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find my beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" "Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote:
Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you 'did' take the gravy ladle from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it
has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love John
Several days later, John received an email from his mother which read:
Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping
in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
Love Mom

__________________________

"Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work." so I says: "You know Charlie I really need you today.
When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me love. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that."
Two hours later Charlie calls: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon.  You got nice house!"

___________________________

While riding one day a cowboy met an Indian riding along on his horse with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"  Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' alright." Indian: Look of shock. Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian. Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."  Indian: Look of total disbelief.
Cowboy:  "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?" Horse: "Cool." Indian: Extreme look of shock. Cowboy: "Is this your owner? Pointing at the Indian. Horse: "Yessir" Cowboy: How's he treating you? Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."  Indian: Total look of utter amazement.
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."

_____________________________

A defence lawyer was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a felony trial-it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the
description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A. Yes sir, with my life.
Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer-do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A. Yes sir, we do.
Q. And do you have a locker in that room?
A. Yes sir, I do.
Q. And do you have a lock on your locker?
A. Yes sir.
Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

______________________________________

THE LINE UP:
  In lane 1. Passionate Lady
  In lane 2. Bare Belly
  In lane 3. Silk Panties
  In lane 4. Conscience
  In lane 5. Jockey Shorts
  In lane 6. Clean Sheets
  In lane 7. Thighs
  In lane 8. Big Dick
  In lane 9. Heavy Bosom
  In lane 10. Merry Cherry
   AND THEY'RE OFF!!!
   Conscience is left behind at the gate. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are  off in a hurry. Heavy Bosom is being pressured. Passionate Lady is caught  between Thighs and Big Dick is in a dangerous spot.
   AT THE HALFWAY MARK:
   It's Bare Belly on top, Thighs open and Big Dick is pushing in. Heavy Bosom  is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are
  working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big  Dick.
   AT THE STRETCH:
   Merry Cherry pops under the strain. Bare Belly is making a final push. Big Dick is in and Passionate Lady is coming..
   AT THE FINISH:
   It's Big Dick giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes  everything Big Dick has to offer. It looks like a dead heat, but Big Dick
  comes through with one final thrust and wins by a head... Bare Belly shows... Thighs weakens... Heavy Bosom pulls up.. and Clean Sheets never had a  chance.

________________________________

A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. When he found the MD  standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
   "Listen," said the MD, "this is a very sensitive and important document,  and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?"
    "Certainly," said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted  the paper, and pressed the start button.
"Excellent, excellent!" said the MD as his paper disappeared inside the machine.
  "I just need one copy."
Lesson learnt:
  Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.

_______________________
  
  A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window:
   "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman  replies: "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?"
   "Listen up fool! I said, I want to open a damn checking account right now!"
   "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this  bank." Having said this, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the
  bank manager to tell him about her problem customer.
   They both return and the manager asks the old geezer:
    "What seems to be the problem here?"
   "There's no damn problem, sonny," the elderly man says. "I just won 5 million pounds in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking  account in this damn bank!"
   "I see," says the manager thoughtfully. "And you're saying that this fool here is giving you a hard time?"
   Lesson Learnt:
  If you are RICH, you can get away with almost anything.

____________________________
  
  An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when  the American turned to the Japanese and asked, "What kind of -ese are you?"
   The Japanese confused, replied, "Sorry but I don't understand what you mean."
   The American repeated, "What kind of -ese are you?"
   Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
   The American, now irritated, then yell, "What kind of -ese are you? Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc......"
The Japanese then replied, "Oh, I am a Japanese."
    A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of ' -key' was he. The American, frustrated, yelled,
   "What do you mean what kind of '-key' am I ?!"
   The Japanese said, "Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?"
    Lesson :
Never insult anyone.

____________________________________
  
The First Affair
      There was a middle-age couple that had two stunningly beautiful teenage daughters. The couple decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
      After months of trying, the wife became pregnant and, sure  enough, delivered a healthy baby boy nine months later. The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look  and was horrified to find the ugliest child he had ever seen.
      He went to his wife and said that there was no way that he could  be the father of the child. "Look at the two beautiful daughters, I fathered," he cried. Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?"
      The wife smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."
The Second Affair
      A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated.
     As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery
Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
      "I'm sorry, Mr Schwartz," said the mortician, "but I can't send  you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like  this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove the dead man's privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home.
      The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, opening his briefcase.
      "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"
      The Third! Affair
      A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner!"
      She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
     "Just pretend you're a statue."
      "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
      "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
      No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when  they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed,  went  to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
      Here," he said to the statue, ! "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
      The Fourth Affair
      A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer.
      Certainly, sir," replies the bartender. "That'll be 1 penny."
     "ONE PENNY!" exclaims the customer.
      The barman replies, "Yes."
      So the guy glances over the menu and asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?"
      "Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real money."
      "How much money?" inquires the guy.
"Four pennies," the bartender replies.
"FOUR PENNIES!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
       The bartender replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy asks, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."
The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her  face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, "My darling Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
     "Everything's all right. Go to sleep."
"No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly, "That's why I poisoned you."
The Sixth Affair
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend's home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms - "Honey," "My Love," "Darling," "Sweetheart," "Pumpkin," etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names."  The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you! the truth," he said. I forgot her name about 10 years ago .

________________________


A man was celebrating his 90th birthday when he answered a knock at the door.
There was a beautiful blonde in a leather coat who gave him a kiss and wished him Happy Birthday. Then she said:
"I've come to offer you super sex."
He faltered for a moment before replying:
"I'll take the soup first please, then we can see how we go. Some years back things would have been very different".

_________________________________

A NUN'S STORY
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver  won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring and he
replies, "I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that
there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that:
1    You have to be single, and
2     You must be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfils his fantasy.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you crying?"
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

________________________________________

A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant
watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The
blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won't move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to London and I'm staying right here!"
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won't listen to reason.
The pilot says, "You say she's blonde? I'll handle this. I'm married to a blonde. I speak blonde."
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says "Oh, I'm sorry, " and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy
section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. "I told her First Class isn't going to
London."

___________________________

A New York Jewish couple went back to the holy land to celebrate the diamond wedding anniversary. Whilst there sadly his wife died. Husband, Heimie, contacted undertaker to fly her body home.
Will cost $10,000 said Coen the undertaker, but I can do a good deal locally, very nice service, cremation, tombstone etc for $500, that would save you $9500- a lot of money for a good Jew like you.
Heimie thought long and hard about the deal, then said ''No I will go with the expensive flight home, despite your kind offer''
Why said the undertaker, my offer is very good value and after all she has actually died.
Heimie says I know and thank you, but I remember reading somewhere that several thousand years ago someone died and was buried here, but after 3 days he came back to life and I really can't take that risk.

________________________________

A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, "Okay, Mrs. Jones, what's the problem?"
The mother says, "It's my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she's putting on weight, and is sick most mornings."
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, "Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant - about 4 months, would be my guess."
The mother says, "Pregnant?! She can't be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?" Debbie says, "No mother! I've never even kissed a man!"
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it.
About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, "Is there something wrong out there doctor?"
The doctor replies, "No, not really, it's just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill.
And there's no way I'm going to miss it!

________________________________

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian".
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big
Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.
Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male
member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd
erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town,
found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The
Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.
Again, the huge ring was illuminated. This time, however,
instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian
stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the
coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
"You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "But I have to know
something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"
"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be."

___________________________

Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor's office to collect her husband's test results.
The lab tech says to her, "I'm sorry, ma'am, but there has been a big
mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband's samples to the lab, the
samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain
which one is your husband's. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible."
"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asked.
"Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband."
"That's terrible! Can we do the test over?" questioned Mrs. Ward.
"Normally, yes. But the NHS won't pay for these expensive tests more than once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The people at the Hospital recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town.
If he finds his way home, don't share a bed with him."

_______________________________

There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and beautiful young woman sitting together in a carriage in a train going through a France. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face where he had been slapped. The Frenchman was thinking: 'The English fella must have kissed her and she missed him and slapped me instead.' The woman was thinking: 'The French fellow must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.' And the Englishman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again.'

_____________________________________________

After getting all of Pope John Paul's luggage loaded into the limo, ( and he doesn't travel light),  the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
"Excuse me, Your Holiness," says the driver, "Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
"Well, to tell you the truth," says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I'd really like to drive today.".
"I'm sorry but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job! And what if something should happen?" Protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'There might be something extra in it for you," says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel.
The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
"Please slow down, Your Holiness!!!" pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
"Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my licence," moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
I need to talk to the Chief," he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
"So bust him," says the Chief.
"I don't think we want to do that, he's really important, " said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, "All the more reason!".
"No, I mean really important," said the cop.
The Chief then asked, "Who ya got there, the Mayor?'
Cop "Bigger"
Chief "Governor"
Cop "Bigger,'
'Well," said the Chief, "Who is it?"
Cop. "I think it's God!'
Chief. "What makes you think it's God?'
Cop. "He's got the Pope as his chauffeur!'

_________________________________

Harry went to Inland Revenue for a job interview.
The interviewer looked at his resume and asked him, "Have you worked for government before?"
"Yes, I served 8 years in the army."
"Good, that counts in your favour. Do you have any disabilities?"
"I am 80% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they declared me disabled. It doesn't affect my ability to work."
"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have good news for you.
I can hire you immediately.
Our working hours are 8.00 to 4.00.
Come on in about 10 tomorrow, and we'll get you started."
"If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"
"This is a government department. We don't do anything but sit around and scratch our balls for the first two hours.
No point you coming in for that."

__________________________
 

A FISHING STORY
Four married guys go fishing.
After an hour, the following conversation took place.
First guy: "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend.
I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continued to fish, then they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word, so they ask him,
"You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth guy: "I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or Sex?" and she said, "Wear a Sweater it is cold out there"

________________________

A young redhead goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams.
Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a redhead are you?"
No," she says, "I'm actually a blonde."
I thought so," the doctor says. "Your finger is broken... ."

___________________________________

Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea - one called Justin and the other called Christian.
The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, "I'm fed up
with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn't have any worries about being eaten."
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, "Your wish is granted", and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark  boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn't realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn.
He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn.
With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail.
Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn't see his old pal. "Where's Christian?" he asked. "He's at home, still distraught
that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark", came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian's abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came
flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, "It's me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again."
Christian replied, "No way man, you'll eat me. You're now a shark, the enemy, and I'll not be tricked into being your dinner."
Justin cried back "No, I'm not. That was the old me. I've changed....."
I've found Cod. I'm a prawn again Christian".

__________________________________________________
 

Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.  "My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him."  The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
"No" said Billy, "He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say."

________________________________

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in  for the baby's first exam.
The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
"Breast-fed" she replied.
"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

___________________________________

A Polish man emigrated to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - "very quick."
The lawyer said that the speed for
getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:-

LAWYER: "Have you any grounds?"
POLE: "Ja, Ja, acre and half, and nice little home."
LAWYER: "No," I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
POLE: "It made of concrete."
LAWYER: "Does either of you have a real grudge?"
POLE: "No, we have carport, and not need one."
LAWYER: "I mean, what are your relations like?"
POLE: "All my relations still in Poland."
LAWYER: "Is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
POLE: "Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player."
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?"
POLE: "No, I always up before her."
LAWYER: "Is your wife a nagger?"
POLE: "No, she white."
LAWYER: "WHY do you want this divorce?"
POLE: "She going to kill me."
LAWYER: "What makes you think that?"
POLE: "I got ze proof."
LAWYER: "What kind of proof?"
POLE: "She going poison me....." "She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, 'Polish Remover'."

____________________________________________

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on vacation to Jerusalem.
While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away.
The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for '5,000, or  you can bury her here in the Holy Land for ' 150."
The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped  home.
The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend '5,000 to ship your  mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only '150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

______________________________________________________________

 An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."
The priest replied, "That was a heroic thing you did, my son! And you   have no need to confess that."
"It's worse than that, Father.
She started to repay me with sexual favours."
The priest said, "By doing that, you were both committing sin. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted. But, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one  more question "
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?"

__________________________________________
 

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat.
As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat.
As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, "Business trip or pleasure?"
She turned, smiled and said, "Business. I'm going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago."
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had everseen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at the convention?"
"Lecturer," she responded. "I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality."
"Really?"! he said, "and what kinds of myths are there?"
"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian is most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck."
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.
I'm sorry," she said, "I shouldn't really be discussing all this with you." "I don't even know your name?"

"Tonto... Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Tex."

_________________________________
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The session finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied,
Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You
finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian."