The madam opened the brothel door in Glasgow and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.
“May I help you sir?” she asked.
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else”,
said the madam.
“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged £5,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out five thousand pounds and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie.
Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row, as she was so expensive.
There were no discounts. The price was still £5,000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night,
but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man,
“No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?”
The man replied, “Edinburgh”
“Really”, she said. “I have family in Edinburgh”
“I know.” the man said. “Your sister died, and I’m her solicitor.
I was instructed to deliver your £15,000 inheritance in person”
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death; 2. Taxes; and 3.Being screwed by a lawyer
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A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out. Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise his hand?" Not one hand went up ... So she took them home and ate them.
Two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think.
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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the boy 3
nickels to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly, the boy begins choking,
getting blue in the face.
The father realizes the boy has swallowed the coins and starts slapping him
on the back. The boy coughs up 2 nickels, but keeps on choking. Looking at
his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.
A well dressed, attractive, woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a
coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping coffee. At the sound of the
commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the
newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her
way, unhurried, across the restaurant.
Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the
boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist, gently at first and then
ever so firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs
up the last nickel, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.
Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the nickel to the father and
walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father
rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen
anybody do anything like that before. It was fantastic. Are you a doctor?
"No," the woman replied. "Divorce attorney."
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In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm,
and three or more is a parliament -- John Adams
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