Short History

History began some 12,000 years ago. (Actually, it was 40,000 years ago.)
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers.
They lived on deer in the mountains during the summer and would go to
the coast and live on fish and lobster in winter.

The two most important events in all of history were the invention of
beer and the invention of the wheel. The wheel was invented to get man
to the beer. These were the foundations of modern civilization and,
together, were the catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two
distinct subgroups: Liberals and Conservatives.


Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the beginning
of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor aluminium can was invented yet,
so while our early human ancestors were sitting around waiting for them
to be invented, they just stayed close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.


Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to barbeque at
night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning of what is
known as "the Conservative movement."


Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live
off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly barbeques and doing the
sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
Liberal movement. Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
rest became known as girlymen.


Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication of cats,
the invention of group therapy, group hugs and the concept of Democratic
voting to decide how to divide the meat and beer that Conservatives
provided.


Over the years, Conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are symbolized by
the jackass.


Modern Liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most prefer
white wine or imported, bottled water. They eat raw fish but like their
beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are standard Liberal fare.

Another interesting evolutionary side note: Most of their women have
higher testosterone levels than their men. Most social workers, personal
injury attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are Liberals. Liberals invented the designated hitter rule because it
wasn't "fair" to make the pitcher also bat.


Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still provide
for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys,
lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen, medical doctors, police
officers, corporate executives, fighter pilots, athletes and generally
anyone who works productively outside government. Conservatives who own
companies hire other Conservatives who want to work for a living.

Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to "govern" the producers
and decide what to do with the production. Liberals believe Europeans
are more enlightened than Americans. That is why most of the Liberals
remained in Europe when Conservatives were coming to America. They crept
in after the Wild West was tame and created a business of trying to get
MORE for nothing.


Here ends today's lesson in world history. It should be noted that a
Liberal will have an uncontrollable urge to respond to the above instead
of simply laughing and deleting or forwarding it.