Insults of Intelligence

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A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead.

Alexander Pope


A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post.

Tom Waits


A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.

Alexander Pope


Did you eat a brain tumour for breakfast?

from “Heathers”


Differently clued.

Dave Clark


Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.

Josh Billing


End of season sale at the cerebral department.

Gareth Blackstock


Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.

David Letterman


He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.

Abraham Lincoln


He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.

Robert Redford


He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.

Billy Wilder


He is brilliant – to the top of his boots.

David Lloyd George


He is so stupid you can’t trust him with an idea.

John Steinbeck


He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.

Mark Twain


He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.

Joseph Heller


He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.

George Bernard Shaw


He knows so little and knows it so fluently.

Ellen Glasgow


He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.

Forrest Tucker


He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.

Groucho Marx


He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.

Leo Tolstoy


He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one.

Earl of Rochester


He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop.

Sydney Smith


He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.

John Ruskin


He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts – for support, not illumination.

Andrew Lang


He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.

Samuel Butler


He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.

Benjamin Disraeli


His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.

Robin Williams


His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there’s scarcely a hole in it anywhere.

Mark Twain


His ignorance is encyclopaedic.

Abba Eban


His mind is so open – so open that ideas simply pass through it.

  1. H. Bradley


His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.

Heywood Braun


I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?

Ashleigh Brilliant


I wish I’d known you when you were alive.

Leonard Louis Levinson


I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.

Eugene McCarthy


If he ever had a bright idea it would be beginner’s luck.

William Lashner “Veritas”


Little things affect little minds.

Benjamin Disraeli


Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.

Van Jacobson


No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers.

Rob Wagner


Please try not to be such a wiener-head.

Dave Barry


Sharp as a sack full of wet mice.

Foghorn Leghorn


She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.

  1. Somerset Maugham


She is a water bug on the surface of life.

Gloria Steinem


She’s descended from a long line her mother listened to.

Gypsy Rose Lee


Stay with me; I want to be alone.

Joey Adams


Teflon brain (nothing sticks.)

Lily Tomlin


That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.

Douglas Adams

They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.

Thomas Brackett Reed


Useless as a pulled tooth.

Mary Roberts Rinehart


What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!

from “Murphy Brown”


What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.

Fred Allen


When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?

David Letterman


While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.

James Thurber


You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving.

David Letterman


You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.

Groucho Marx

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