During a recent PASSWORD AUDIT at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O'Toole was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin"
When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied:
''Bejazus! are yez stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital''
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One day an Irishman, who had been stranded on a deserted island for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon.
He thought to himself, "It's certainly not a ship".
As the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule out even the possibilities of a small boat or a raft.
Suddenly there strode from the surf a figure clad in a black wet suit. Putting aside the scuba tanks and mask and zipping down the top of the wet suit stood a drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
She walked up to the stunned Irishman and said to him, "Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a good cigar?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproof pocket on the left sleeve of her wet suit and pulled out a fresh package of cigars and a lighter.
He took a cigar, slowly lit it, and took a long drag. "Faith and begorrah," said the castaway, "that is so good! I'd almost forgotten how great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Bushmill's Irish Whiskey?" asked the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied, "Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reached over to her right sleeve, unzipped a pocket there and removed a flask and handed it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink. " 'Tis nectar of the gods!" shouted the Irishman. " 'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her wet suit, right down the middle. She looked at the trembling man and asked, "And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed, "Jesus, Mary and Joseph! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!
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An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. A lory had run into his cattle trailer.
In court,the lorry company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Seamus . . .
'Didn't you say to the Police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Seamus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the . . ......................................................'
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted.
'Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine!'?'
Seamus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road . . . .'
The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question.'
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans. Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said,
'How are you feeling?'
'And now what would you have said?
___________________
Father O'Malley rose from his bed.
It was a fine spring day in his new parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside.
He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn.
He promptly called the The Council for assistance.
The conversation went like this:
"Good morning. This is the Director of Public Works. How might I help you?"
"And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O'Malley from your local parish.
There's a donkey lying dead in me front lawn.
Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o' yer lads to take care of the matter?"
The Director of Public Works, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk,
"Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!"
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment.
Father O'Malley then replied: "Aye, that's certainly true,
but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin.
____________________
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which Murphy replies,"Well if they fell forwards they'd still be in the in the boat!"
_________________
An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband's libido.
'What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.
'Not a chance', she said.. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'
'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'.
It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it.
Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went..'
It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.
The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah!
T'was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!'
'Really? What happened?' asked the doctor.
'Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate.
He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop!
It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'
'Why so terrible?' asked the doctor,' Do you mean the love your husband provided wasn't good?'
'Freakin' Jaysus, 'twas the best love I've had in 25 years!
But sure as I'm sittin' here, I'll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.
_______________________
Three Irish and three English lads are travelling by train to a football match. At the station, the three English each buy a ticket, but the Irish buy one ticket between them.
'How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?' asks one of
the English. 'Watch and learn' says Mick
Aboard the train. The English take their seats but the three Irish squeeze into a toilet and close the door behind them.
Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door, 'Ticket please'
The door opens very slightly and a single arm hands out the ticket.
The conductor takes it and moves on. The English see this and agree it was a clever idea.
So on the return journey they decide to have a go.
At the station, they buy a single ticket, but to their astonishment, the Irish don't buy a ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without any ticket?' asks one
'Watch and learn,' say Mick
On the train, the three English squeeze into a toilet and soon after the three Irish squeeze into another nearby. The train departs.
Soon afterwards, Mick leaves their toilet and walks to the other toilet where the English are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, 'Ticket please!'
_________________
A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Action Group, who all stuttered really badly ~ an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.
She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.
Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate pleasure with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"
The Englishman piped up. "B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham".
"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"
The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out "P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".
That's no better. There'll be no pleasure for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.How about you, Paddy ?
The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out
" London ".
Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.
After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy pleasuring, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said
"-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry".
_______________________________
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'
Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.
Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'
Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'
Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'
___________________________
An armed Irish bank robber complete with balaclava does a good job in a near by bank and gets hold of a huge bag of cash. Just as he is going out of the door a customer lifts his balaclava and the Irish robber shoots him dead. 'Did anybody else see me?' the robber shouts.
A huge silence and then a man pipes up
'I think my wife caught just a glimpse!'
__________________
An Irishman was being kept awake at night by his neighbour's dog barking all the time. He said to his wife that he was going to do something about it. She begged him NOT to fall out with the neighbour.
He went down stairs and returned to the bedroom a few minutes later.
His wife asked what he had done, and he replied
'I put the dog in my garden. Now lets see how the neighbour likes that!'
_____________________
The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'
'Well, Paddy,' Sarkozy replied, 'This is indeed important news! How big is your army?'
'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'
Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'
'Begoora!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'
'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.
'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'
Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'
'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'
Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!'
'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr.
Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'
'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'
'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is absolutely no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners .
Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn't kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.
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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
Quinn thinks Murphy's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
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The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
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An American lawyer asked, 'Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?'
'Who told you that?' asked Paddy.
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Q - Why are Irish jokes so simple?
A - So the Scots can understand them.
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Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, 'Not guilty.' 'That's grand!' shouted Reilly. 'Does that mean I can keep the money?'
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Irish lass customer: 'Could I be trying on that dress in the window?' Shopkeeper: 'I'd prefer that you use the dressing room.'
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Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?' 'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.'
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Q What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
A. A bachelor.
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Finnegin: My wife h as a terrible habit of staying up 'til two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.
Keenan: What on earth is she doin' at that time?
Finnegin: Waitin' for me to come home
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Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital.. 'Quick!' he said, 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'
'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.
'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'
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'O'Ryan,' asked the druggist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Ryan, 'but it keeps fallin' off!'
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Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
--------------------------------- ------ --------------
My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs.
______________________________________
Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.
"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die
you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together
to go right now.'
__________________________________________________________________
A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his
sales.
So he put up a sign that read, 'Free Passion with Fill-Up.'
Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free passion.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly he would get his free passion.
Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close. The number was 7.
Sorry. No passion this time.'
A week later, Paddy, along with his pal Seamus, pulled in for another fill-up.
Again he asked for his free passion.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct
number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free passion this time.'
As they were driving away, Paddy said to Seamus, 'I'm tinking that yer man's
game there is rigged and he doesn't really give away free passion.'
Seamus replied, 'Ah to be sure it ain't rigged Paddy.
My wife won twice last week.'
_____________________________________________________
An Irishman lived alone in a cottage out in the wild, along
the skirt of a mountain.
One day the police turned up and arrested him for the illegal distilling of
whiskey. He denied the charge.
They searched the place, and under a pile of straw in the corner of the pigsty
they found an illegal still.
The man denied using it, saying that it was an old thing that was there when he
bought the place and he had never used it.
The police charged him and he continued to protest his innocence. The police
said that whatever he might say, the fact was that he had the equipment.
'If that is so', the man said, 'you had better take another twelve offences into
account.'
'What are they?' asked the police.
'Twelve cases of rape,' said the man.
'But surely', the police said, 'you have never committed rape.'
'No,' said the man, 'of course I haven't, but I have the equipment.'
__________________________________________________________________
Irish Vasectomy
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that was enough, as
they could not afford a larger bed.
So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want
to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the
problem, but it was expensive.
A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it
in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Irishman said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in the
world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is
going to help me".
"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.
He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue
counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London,
Newcastle, Scotland, Wales and Israel.
___________________________________
An Irish woman was going through Irish customs on returning
from abroad.
The customs officer: 'And what have you got in that bottle in your pocket,
ma'am?' 'Holy Water. I've been on the pilgrimage to Lourdes.'
'Pull out the cork and let's have a sniff... Smells to me like gin.'
'Oh, Holy Mary, I knew there'd be a miracle before I got home.'
____________________________________
An Irish soldier in France in the First World War was walking
from one part of the lines to another in the dusk when he got into a fight with
a French sentry.
He was court-martialled, and was asked to say what had happened. 'He bawled at
me, "Halt, qui va la?" '
"Je," says I, knowing the language.
'"Comment?" says he.
"Come on," says I, and with that I struck him.
_____________________________________
Irish couple watching 7 pm news and man about to jump from bridge.
The lady bets the man he'll jump.
The man takes the bet.
The chap jumps .
The lady says she can't take the bet because she watched the six o'clock and she
knew he did jump.
The man says she must take the bet because he watched the 5 o'clock news, but he
could not believe that he would do it again.
____________________________________
An Englishman was discussing the word 'Maniana' with some Irish folk.
He asked if there was a word in Irish that meant the same.
'Ah' replied the Irishman 'We have several words for that, but I don't think any
convey the same sense of urgency'
_________________________________
One day an Irishman who had been stranded on a deserted island
for over 10 years, saw a speck on the horizon. He thought to himself, "It's
certainly not a ship." And, as the speck got closer and closer, he began to rule
out the possibilities of a small boat and even a raft. Suddenly there emerged
from the surf a wet-suited black clad figure.
Putting aside the scuba gear and the top of the wet suit, there stood a
drop-dead gorgeous blonde!
The glamorous blonde strode up to the stunned Irishman and said to him,
"Tell me, how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replied the amazed Irishman.
With that, she reached over and unzipped a waterproofed pocket on the left
sleeve or her wetsuit, and pulled out a fresh pack of cigarettes.
He takes one, lights it, and takes a long drag.
"Faith and begorrah," said the man, "that is so good I'd almost forgotten how
great a smoke can be!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a drop of good Irish whiskey?" asked
the blonde.
Trembling, the castaway replied,
"Ten years."
Hearing that, the blonde reaches over to her right sleeve unzips a pocket there
and removes a flask and hands it to him.
He opened the flask and took a long drink.
"'Tis nectar of the gods!" stated the Irishman. "'Tis truly fantastic!!!"
At this point the gorgeous blonde started to slowly unzip the long front of her
wet suit, right down the middle.
She looked at the trembling man and asked,
"And how long has it been since you played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the Irishman fell to his knees and sobbed,
"Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there too!"
The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten
hens he kept in the hen house behind his little church.
But one Saturday night the cock went missing.
The priest knew that cock fights were held in the village, so he started to
question his parishioners at Mass the next morning.
During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"
All the men stood up.
"No, no, he said, "that wasn't what I meant."
"Has anybody seen a cock?"
All the women stood up.
"No, no, he said, "that wasn't what I meant."
"Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?
Half the women stood up.
"No, no, he said, "that wasn't what I meant."
"Has anybody seen MY cock?"
All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The day finally arrived; Sean dies and goes to Heaven.
He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are
closed and Sean approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Sean, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot
about you.
I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been
administering an entrance examination for everyone.
The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven."
Sean responds, "It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir.
But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain't too
hard; life was a big enough test as it was."
St. Peter goes on, "Yes, I know, Sean, but the test is only three questions.
First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?
Second: How many seconds are there in a year?
Third: What is God's first name?"
Sean leaves to think the questions over.
He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, "Now that
you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers."
Sean says, "Well, the first one -- which two days in the week begin with the
letter "T"? Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be Today and Tomorrow.
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims, "Sean, that's not what I was
thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn't specify, so I'll give
you credit for that answer. How a! bout the next one?" asks St. Peter.
"How many seconds in a year?"
"Now that one's harder," says Sean, "but I thunk and thunk about that a nod I
guess the only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St . Peter says, "Twelve? Twelve!? Sean, how in Heaven's name could
you come up with twelve seconds in a year?"
Sean says "Shucks, there's gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March
2nd. . ."
"Hold it, " interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with this, and I see
your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind.
But I'll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let's go on with the third
and final question. Can you tell me God's first name"?
"Sure" Sean replied, "its Andy."
"Andy?!" exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter.
"Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two
questions,
but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name
of God?"
"Shucks, that was the easiest one of all," Sean replied. "I learnt it from the
song. .
"ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN. . . ."
St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: "Run Sean, run."
