Just Irish

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Two women are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to ya, that you’re from Ireland.”

 

The other woman responds proudly, “Aye, I surely am!”

 

The first one says, “So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?”

 

The other woman answers, “I’m from Galway, I am.”

 

The first one responds, “So, am I! And what street did ya live on in Galway?”

 

The other woman says, “A loovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.”

 

The first one says, “Faith and begorrah, it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?”

 

The other woman answers, “Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.”

 

The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

 

The other woman answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.”

 

The first woman exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!”

 

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”

 

Michael asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”

 

Brian answers, “The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

*****

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, “Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies’ knickers and thongs.”

The clerk looked up ‘Knicker Stitcher’ on his computer and, finding it classified as an unskilled labour, he gave him 80 euros a week unemployment pay.

 

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, ‘Diesel Fitter.’ Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 euros a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

 

The clerk explained, “Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.”

 

“What skill?” yelled Paddy. “I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts ’em over his head and says: “Yep, diesel fitter.””

*****

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced that they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

*****

An Irishman is stopped by the police around 2am and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

 

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

 

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

*****

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work and Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

 

“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.

 

“Well,” said Paddy, “there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

 

“There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”

 

“That’s disgraceful” said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit.”

 

“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy.

*****

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.” Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

 

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry…No sex this time.”

 

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

 

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

 

Paddy replied, “No it ain’t, Mick. It’s not rigged at all. Me wife won twice last week!”

*****

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, an Irish bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting had escaped.  Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.  He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

 

The deception wasn’t discovered for three days.

*****

JUST TOMMY COOPER – and JUST IRISH

 

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.

 

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”

 

Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

*****

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.”

 

Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.

*****

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

 

“Is this her first child?” asks the doctor.

 

“No,” shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”

*****

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

 

The cop says, “For God’s sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging  about!”

*****

An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.

His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.”What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

 

“Here boy.” he replies.

*****

Paddy’s in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “What the hell you doing?” he asks.

 

“Hanging myself” Paddy replies.

 

“It should be around your neck,” says the guard.

 

“I know,” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”

*****

An American tourist asks an Irishman: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

 

To which the Irishman replies, “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.”

 

*****

Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right wheel well fender, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

 

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

 

“What on earth are you doing Mick,” says Paddy.

 

“Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin stuffin’ out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Mick, “but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

*****

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly.

 

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

 

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

 

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying…and wasn’t drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

 

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look Paddy…there is that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.”

*****

During a recent password audit at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O’Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin.

 

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied, ”Bejazus! are yez stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.”

*****

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and…oh, help!”

 

Silence followed. Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

One Irish passenger yelled, ”And you should see the back of mine!”

*****

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. A lorry had run into his cattle trailer. In court, the lorry company’s hotshot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

“Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’” asked the solicitor.

 

Seamus responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the…”

 

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the solicitor interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine.’”

 

Seamus said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

 

The solicitor interrupted again and said, “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus’s answer and said to the solicitor, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.”

 

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

 

“Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’”

 

“And now, what would you have said?”

*****

Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the Council for assistance. The conversation went like this:

 

“Good morning. This is the Director of Public Works. How might I help you?”

 

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley from your local parish. There’s a donkey lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?”

 

The Director of Public Works, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!”

 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O’Malley then replied, “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin.

*****

So Paddy asks Murphy, “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

 

To which Murphy replies, “Well if they fell forwards they’d still be in the in the boat!”

 

*****

 

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice on reviving her husband’s libido.

 

“What about trying Viagra?” asked the doctor.

 

“Not a chance”, she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”

 

“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an ‘Irish Viagra.’ It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

 

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”

 

“Really? What happened?” asked the doctor.

 

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

 

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor, “Do you mean the love your husband provided wasn’t good?”

 

“Freakin’ Jaysus, ’twas the best love I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again.”

*****

Three Irish and three English lads are travelling by train to a football match. At the station, the three English lads each buy a ticket, but the Irish buy one ticket between them.

 

“How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?’ asks one of the English.

 

“Watch and learn,” says Mick.

 

Aboard the train, the English take their seats  but the three Irish squeeze into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door, “Tickets please.”

 

The door opens very slightly and a single arm hands out the ticket. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English see this and agree it was a clever idea. So on the return journey they decide to have a go. At the station, they buy a single ticket, but to their astonishment, the Irish don’t buy a ticket at all!

 

“How are you going to travel without any ticket?” asks one.

“Watch and learn,” says Mick.

 

On the train, the three English squeeze into a toilet and soon after the three Irish squeeze into another nearby. The train departs. Soon afterwards, Mick leaves their toilet and walks to the other toilet where the English are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, “Ticket please!”

*****

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Action Group, who all stuttered really badly; an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success. Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said, “If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate pleasure with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first?”

 

The Englishman piped up. “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham.”

 

“That’s no use, Trevor” said the speech therapist, “Who’s next?”

 

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out, “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley.”

 

That’s no better. There’ll be no pleasure for you, I’m afraid, Hamish. How about you, Paddy?

 

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out,

“London.”

 

“Brilliant, Paddy!” said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

 

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy pleasuring, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said, “D-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry.”

*****

Two women are sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one looks at the other and says, “I can’t help but think, from listening to ya, that you’re from Ireland.”

 

The other woman responds proudly, “Aye, I surely am!”

 

The first one says, “So am I! And whereabouts in Ireland are ya from?”

 

The other woman answers, “I’m from Galway, I am.”

 

The first one responds, “So, am I! And what street did ya live on in Galway?”

 

The other woman says, “A loovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.”

 

The first one says, “Faith and begorrah, it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?”

 

The other woman answers, “Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.”

 

The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?”

 

The other woman answers, “Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.”

 

The first woman exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!”

 

About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, “It’s going to be a long night tonight.”

 

Michael asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”

 

Brian answers, “The Murphy twins are drunk again.”

*****

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, “Knicker Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies’ knickers and thongs.”

The clerk looked up ‘Knicker Stitcher’ on his computer and, finding it classified as an unskilled labour, he gave him 80 euros a week unemployment pay.

 

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, ‘Diesel Fitter.’ Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick 160 euros a week. When Paddy found out he was furious. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

 

The clerk explained, “Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.”

 

“What skill?” yelled Paddy. “I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts ’em over his head and says: “Yep, diesel fitter.””

*****

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced that they are closing lanes 7 and 8.

*****

An Irishman is stopped by the police around 2am and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”

 

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

 

The man replies, “That would be my wife.”

*****

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work and Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.

 

“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Paddy.

 

“Well,” said Paddy, “there’s the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

 

“There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife.”

 

“That’s disgraceful” said the inspector, “I need to interview the half-wit.”

 

“That’ll be me then,” said Paddy.

*****

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So, he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.” Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

 

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry…No sex this time.”

 

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”

 

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy, “I think that game is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”

 

Paddy replied, “No it ain’t, Mick. It’s not rigged at all. Me wife won twice last week!”

*****

After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, an Irish bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting had escaped.  Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride.  He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies.

 

The deception wasn’t discovered for three days.

*****

JUST TOMMY COOPER – and JUST IRISH

 

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. “I think it’s got epilepsy,” he tells the vet.

 

The vet takes a look and says, “It seems calm enough to me.”

 

Paddy says, “I haven’t taken it out of the bowl yet.”

*****

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope “DO NOT BEND.”

 

Paddy spends the next two hours trying to figure out how to pick the thing up.

*****

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!”

 

“Is this her first child?” asks the doctor.

 

“No,” shouts Paddy, “this is her husband!”

*****

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk, suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road.

 

The cop says, “For God’s sake Paddy, that’s your air freshener swinging  about!”

*****

An old Irish farmer’s dog goes missing and he’s inconsolable.

His wife says “Why don’t you put an advert in the paper?”

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.”What did you put in the paper?” his wife asks.

 

“Here boy.” he replies.

*****

Paddy’s in jail. The guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet. “What the hell you doing?” he asks.

 

“Hanging myself” Paddy replies.

 

“It should be around your neck,” says the guard.

 

“I know,” says Paddy, “but I couldn’t breathe.”

*****

An American tourist asks an Irishman: “Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

 

To which the Irishman replies, “If they fell forwards, they’d still be in the boat.”

 

*****

Paddy is passing by Mick’s hay shed one day when through a gap in the door he sees Mick doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old red Massey Ferguson tractor.

Buttocks clenched he performs a slow pirouette and gently slides off first the right wheel well fender, followed by the left. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move lets his braces fall down from his shoulders to dangle by his hips over his corduroy trousers.

 

Grabbing both sides of his checked shirt he rips it apart to reveal his tea stained vest underneath and with a final flourish he hurls his flat cap on to a pile of hay.

 

“What on earth are you doing Mick,” says Paddy.

 

“Jeez Paddy, ye frightened the livin stuffin’ out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Mick, “but me and the Missus been having some trouble lately in the bedroom department, and the Therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”

*****

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by.

The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door, only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on. The car started moving slowly.

 

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

 

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

 

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying…and wasn’t drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath.

 

Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, “Look Paddy…there is that idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.”

*****

During a recent password audit at the Bank of Ireland it was found that Paddy O’Toole was using the following password:

MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyDublin.

 

When Paddy was asked why he had such a long password he replied, ”Bejazus! are yez stupid? Shore Oi was told me password had to be at least 8 characters long and include one capital.”

*****

Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced, “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and…oh, help!”

 

Silence followed. Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”

One Irish passenger yelled, ”And you should see the back of mine!”

*****

An Irish farmer named Seamus had a car accident. A lorry had run into his cattle trailer. In court, the lorry company’s hotshot solicitor was questioning Seamus.

“Didn’t you say to the police at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine?’” asked the solicitor.

 

Seamus responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the…”

 

“I didn’t ask for any details”, the solicitor interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not tell the police officer, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine.’”

 

Seamus said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road…”

 

The solicitor interrupted again and said, “Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

 

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Seamus’s answer and said to the solicitor, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie.”

 

Seamus thanked the Judge and proceeded, “Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge lorry and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurt, very bad like, and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.

 

“Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, ‘How are you feeling?’”

 

“And now, what would you have said?”

*****

Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of air and to see the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a donkey lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the Council for assistance. The conversation went like this:

 

“Good morning. This is the Director of Public Works. How might I help you?”

 

“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley from your local parish. There’s a donkey lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’ yer lads to take care of the matter?”

 

The Director of Public Works, considering herself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of last rites!”

 

There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O’Malley then replied, “Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to first notify the next of kin.

*****

So Paddy asks Murphy, “Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?”

 

To which Murphy replies, “Well if they fell forwards they’d still be in the in the boat!”

 

*****

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask

his advice on reviving her husband’s libido. “What about trying Viagra?’ asked the doctor.

 

“Not a chance”, she said. “He won’t even take an aspirin.”

 

“Not a problem,” replied the doctor. “Give him an Irish viagra. It’s when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won’t even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.”

 

It wasn’t a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress. The poor dear exclaimed, “Oh, faith, bejaysus and begorrah! T’was horrid! Just terrible, doctor!”

 

“Really What happened?” asked the doctor.

 

“Well, I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up, with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm, he sent me cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!”

 

“Why so terrible?” asked the doctor. “Do you mean the love your husband provided wasn’t good?”

 

“Freakin’ Jaysus, ’twas the best love I’ve had in 25 years! But sure as I’m sittin’ here, I’ll never be able to show me face in Starbucks again!”

*****

Three Irish and three English lads are travelling by train to a football match. At the station, the three English each buy a ticket, but the Irish buy one ticket between them.

‘How are the three of you going to travel on one ticket?’ asks one of

the English. ‘Watch and learn’ says Mick

Aboard the train. The English take their seats  but the three Irish squeeze into a toilet and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train departs, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the toilet door, ‘Ticket please’

The door opens very slightly and a single arm hands out the ticket.

The conductor takes it and moves on. The English see this and agree it was a clever idea.

So on the return journey they decide to have a go.

At the station, they buy a single ticket, but to their astonishment, the Irish don’t buy a ticket at all!!

‘How are you going to travel without any ticket?’ asks one

‘Watch and learn,’ say Mick

On the train, the three English squeeze into a toilet and soon after the three Irish squeeze into another nearby. The train departs.

Soon afterwards, Mick leaves their toilet and walks to the other toilet where the English are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, ‘Ticket please!’

*****

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Action Group, who all stuttered really badly ~ an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman.

She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said “If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate pleasure with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?”

The Englishman piped up. “B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham”.

“That’s no use, Trevor” said the speech therapist, “Who’s next ?”

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out “P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley”.

That’s no better. There’ll be no pleasure for you, I’m afraid, Hamish.How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out

” London “.

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy pleasuring, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said

 

“-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry”.

*****

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them; they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said, “Hang on, I have an idea.”

 

He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage. Seamus said “Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money left at all!”

 

Murphy replied, “Don’t worry – just follow me.”

 

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky. Seamus said, “Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!”

 

Murphy replied, with a smile, “Don’t worry, I have a plan. Cheers!”

 

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, “Okay, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.”

 

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

 

At the tenth pub, Seamus said, “Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m drunk and me knees are killing me!”

 

Murphy said, “How do you think I feel? I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.”

*****

An armed Irish bank robber complete with balaclava does a good job in a nearby bank and gets hold of a huge bag of cash.  Just as he is going out of the door a customer lifts his balaclava and the Irish robber shoots him dead.  “Did anybody else see me?” the robber shouts.

 

A huge silence and then a man pipes up, “I think my wife caught just a glimpse!”

*****

An Irishman was being kept awake at night by his neighbour’s dog barking all the time.  He said to his wife that he was going to do something about it. She begged him NOT to fall out with the neighbour.

 

He went downstairs and returned to the bedroom a few minutes later. His wife asked what he had done, and he replied, “I put the dog in my garden.  Now lets see how the neighbour likes that!”

*****

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. “Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!”

 

“Well, Paddy,” Sarkozy replied, “This is indeed important news! How big is your army?”

 

“Right now,” says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, “there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!”

 

Sarkozy paused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.”

 

“Begoora!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to ring you back.”

 

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. “Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!”

 

“And what equipment would that be Paddy?” Sarkozy asks.

 

“Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.”

 

Sarkozy sighs amused. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.”

 

“Saints preserve us!” says Paddy. “I’ll have to get back to you.”

 

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. “Mr Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!”

 

Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. “I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!”

 

“Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!” says Paddy, “I will have to ring you back.”

 

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. “Top o’ the mornin’, Mr Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.”

 

“Really? I am sorry to hear that,” says Sarkozy. “Why the sudden change of heart?”

 

“Well,” says Paddy, “we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is absolutely no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.”

 

*****

 

Definition of an Irish husband: He hasn’t kissed his wife for twenty years, but he will kill any man who does.

*****

Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks Murphy’s very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.

*****

The late Bishop Sheen stated that the reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they’re always assured of having a worthy opponent.

*****

An American lawyer asked, “Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?”

 

“Who told you that?” asked Paddy.

*****

Why are Irish jokes so simple?

So the Scots can understand them.

*****

Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. The jury foreman came out and announced, “Not guilty.”

“That’s grand!” shouted Reilly. “Does that mean I can keep the money?”

*****

Irish lass customer: “Could I be trying on that dress in the window?”

Shopkeeper: “I’d prefer that you use the dressing room.”

*****

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, “Is that you I hear spittin’ in the vase on the mantle piece?”

 

“No,” said himself, “but I’m gettin’ closer all the time.”

*****

What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?

A bachelor

*****

Finnegin: My wife has a terrible habit of staying up ’til two o’clock in the morning. I can’t break her of it.

 

Keenan: What on earth is she doin’ at that time?

 

Finnegin: Waitin’ for me to come home

*****

“O’Ryan,” asked the druggist, “did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife’s appearance?”

 

“It did surely,” replied O’Ryan, “but it keeps fallin’ off!”

*****

Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?

*****

My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine giving up your sex life and then once a week people come in to tell you the details and highlights of theirs?

*****

Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

 

The man said, “I do, Father.”

 

The priest said, “Then stand over there against the wall.”

 

Then the priest asked the second man, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

 

“Certainly, Father,” was the man’s reply.

 

“Then stand over there against the wall,” said the priest.

 

Then Father Murphy walked up to O’Toole and said, “Do you want to go to heaven?”

 

O’Toole said, “No, I don’t Father.”

 

The priest said, “I don’t believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don’t want to go to heaven?”

 

O’Toole said, “Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now.”

*****

A petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, ‘Free Passion with Fill-Up.’

 

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free passion. The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free passion. Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No passion this time.”

 

A week later, Paddy, along with his pal Seamus, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free passion. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free passion this time.”

 

As they were driving away, Paddy said to Seamus, “I’m tinking that yer man’s game there is rigged and he doesn’t really give away free passion.”

 

Seamus replied, “Ah to be sure it ain’t rigged Paddy. My wife won twice last week.”

*****

An Irishman lived alone in a cottage out in the wild, along the skirt of a mountain. One day the police turned up and arrested him for the illegal distilling of whiskey. He denied the charge. They searched the place, and under a pile of straw in the corner of the pigsty they found an illegal still.

 

The man denied using it, saying that it was an old thing that was there when he bought the place and he had never used it.

The police charged him and he continued to protest his innocence. The police said that whatever he might say, the fact was that he had the equipment.

 

“If that is so”, the man said, “you had better take another twelve offences into account.”

 

“What are they?” asked the police.

 

“Twelve cases of rape,” said the man.

“But surely,” the police said, “you have never committed rape.”

“No,” said the man, “of course I haven’t, but I have the equipment.”

*****

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that enough was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.

 

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem, but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a big firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

 

The Irishman said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”

 

“Trust me, it will do the job,” said the doctor.

 

So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can.

He held the can up to his ear and began to count: “1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

 

This procedure also works in Birmingham, parts of Essex, inner London, Newcastle, Scotland, Wales and Israel.

*****

An Irish woman was going through Irish customs on returning from abroad. The customs officer, “And what have you got in that bottle in your pocket, ma’am?”

 

“Holy Water. I’ve been on the pilgrimage to Lourdes.”

 

“Pull out the cork and let’s have a sniff – it smells to me like gin.”

 

“Oh, Holy Mary, I knew there’d be a miracle before I got home.”

*****

 

An Irish soldier in France in the First World War was walking from one part of the lines to another in the dusk when he got into a fight with a French sentry. He was court-martialled, and was asked to say what had happened. “He bawled at me, “Halt, qui va la?””

 

“Je,” says I, knowing the language.

 

‘”Comment?” says he.

 

“Come on,” says I, and with that I struck him.

*****

 

An Irish couple are watching the 7pm news and a man is about to jump from bridge. The lady bets the man he’ll jump.

The man takes the bet. The chap jumps.

 

The lady says she can’t take the bet because she watched the six o’clock and she knew he did jump. The man says she must take the bet because he watched the 5 o’clock news, but he could not believe that he would do it again.

*****

 

An Englishman was discussing the word ‘Maniana’ with some Irish folk. He asked if there was a word in Irish that meant the same.

 

“Ah,” replied the Irishman. “We have several words for that, but I don’t think any convey the same sense of urgency.”

*****

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind his little church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing. The priest knew that cock fights were held in the village, so he started to question his parishioners at Mass the next morning. During Mass, he asked the congregation, “Has anybody got a cock?”

 

All the men stood up. “No, no, he said, “that wasn’t what I meant.”

 

“Has anybody seen a cock?”

 

All the women stood up.

 

“No, no, he said, “that wasn’t what I meant.”

 

“Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them? Half the women stood up.”

 

“No, no,” he said, “that wasn’t what I meant.”

 

“Has anybody seen MY cock?”

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

 

*****

The day finally arrived; Sean dies and goes to Heaven. He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself. However, the gates are closed and Sean approaches the Gatekeeper.

 

St. Peter says, “Well, Sean, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

 

Sean responds, “It shor is good to be here, St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

 

St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Sean, but the test is only three questions:

 

“Firstly – What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Secondly – How many seconds are there in a year?

Thirdly – What is God’s first name?”

Sean leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter who waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

 

Sean says, “Well, the first one – which two days in the week begin with the letter ‘T’ – that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.”

 

The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Sean, that’s not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer. How a! bout the next one?” asks St. Peter. “How many seconds in a year?”

 

“Now that one’s harder,” says Sean, “but I thunk and thunk about that a nod I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

 

Astounded, St Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve? Sean, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

 

Sean says “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd…”

“Hold it,” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind. But I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name?”

 

“Sure” Sean replied, “its Andy.”

 

“Andy?” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “Ok, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions, but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

 

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Sean replied. “I learnt it from the song. “ANDY WALKS WITH ME, ANDY TALKS WITH ME, ANDY TELLS ME I AM HIS OWN…”

 

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said,”Run Sean, run.”

*****

 

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he’d just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he’s walking with a limp.

 

“What happened to you?” asks Sean, the bartender.

 

“Jamie O’Conner and me had a fight,” says Paddy.

 

“That little shit, O’Conner,” says Sean, “he couldn’t do that to you. He must have had something in his hand.”

 

“That he did,” says Paddy, “a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin’ he gave me with it.”

 

“Well, says Sean, “you should have defended yourself, didn’t you have something in your hand?”

 

“That I did,” said Paddy. “Mrs.O’Conner’s breast, and a thing of great beauty it was, but useless in a fight.”

*****

Paddy had a job as a postman and one Monday morning was riding through   the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he   approached one of the homes he noticed that strangely both cars were still in   the driveway.
His wonder was cut short by Murphy, the homeowner, coming   out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling in.
‘Jesus Murphy, looks like you lot had one hell of a party last night,’ the Postman commented.
Murphy, in obvious pain, replied, ‘Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first time I have felt like moving since 4am on Sunday morning . We had about 15 couples from around the neighbourhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I?’
The Postman thought for a moment and said, ‘How the hell do you play WHO AM I?’
Well, all the men go in  the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the   ‘family jewels’ showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to   guess who it is.
The postman laughed and said, ‘Sounds like   un, I’m sorry I missed it.’
‘Probably a good thing you did Pad,’ Murphy responded, ‘Your name came up 7  times!’

*****

An Irishman walks into a bar and orders three pints. He takes them to an empty table and casually alternates taking a drink from each glass until they are all empty at about the same time.
The Irishman does the same routine every day for a week until the barman’s curiosity prompts the query, “I’m curious sir, why don’t you drink your pints one at a time?”
The Irishman responds, “For many years my two best friends and I would
drink a pint each day together.  Time and life has moved us far apart. We made a pact to always share our pints each day in remembrance.”
So over the years it warmed the barman’s heart to see the Irishman come each day to “share” his three pints.
Then one day the Irishman ordered only two pints for his routine. The barman was surprised but said nothing at first.
After the Irishman finished his two pints in the usual alternating way, the barman came and asked, “I’m sorry sir has one of your friends passed on?”
“Oh no,” says the Irishman, “both are well but I have decided to give up the drink.”

 

 


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