Marriage Jokes

• The critical period in marriage is breakfast time.  A.P. Herbert Uncommon Law
• 'I married beneath me.  All women do' Nancy Astor
• Bigamy is having one husband too many.  Monogamy is the same.
• Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. Benjamin Franklin
• When God created man, she was only joking.
• Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,  "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied. "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.
  She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?
• A man in love is in complete until he is married.  And then he is finished.  Zsa Zsa Gabor
• I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.  Zsa Zsa Gabor
• The trouble with being the best man is that you don't get a chance to prove it.  Les Murray
• It doesn't much matter who one marries, for the next morning one is sure to find it was someone else.  Samuel Rogers
• I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.  Groucho Marx
• My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe. Jimmy Durante
• It is important to find a woman who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job. 
  It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh. 
  It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn't lie. 
  It is important to find a woman who is loving and tender 
  AND VITAL THAT THESE FOUR WOMEN NEVER MEET.
• A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of beer and sticks it on their trolley.
  "What do you think you're doing?" asks the wife.
  "They're on offer, only '10 for twelve cans!" he explains.
  "Put them back. We can't afford it!" insists the wife and they carry on shopping.
  A few aisles later, the wife picks up a '20 jar of face cream and sticks it on their trolley.
  "What do you think you're doing?" asks the man, indignantly.
  "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful," she says.
  So the man replies:  "SO DO TWELVE CANS OF BEER . . . AND THEY'RE HALF THE PRICE!"
• Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
•  Why Men Have Better Friends
  Friendship between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
  Friendship between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.
• By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher. Socrates