Funny Lines

A man’s home is his castle, in a  manor of speaking. 


Dijon vu –  the same mustard as before. 


Practice safe eating – always use  condiments. 


Shotgun wedding – A case of  wife or death. 


A man needs a mistress just to  break the monogamy. 


A hangover is the wrath of grapes. 


Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a  form of floor play. 


Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? 


Condoms should be used on every  conceivable occasion. 


Reading while  sunbathing makes you well red. 


When two egotists meet, it’s an I  for an I. 


A bicycle can’t stand on its own  because it is two tired. 


What’s the definition of a will?  (It’s a dead give away.) 


Time flies like an arrow. Fruit  flies like a banana. 


In democracy your vote counts. In  feudalism your count votes. 


She was engaged to a boyfriend with  a wooden leg but broke it off. 


A chicken crossing the road is  poultry in motion. 

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you  get repossessed. 


With her marriage, she got a new  name and a dress. 


The man who fell into an upholstery  machine is fully recovered. 


You feel stuck with your debt if  you can’t budge it. 


Local Area Network in  Australia  –  the LAN down under. 


Every calendar’s days are numbered. 


A lot of money is tainted – Taint  yours and taint mine. 


A boiled egg in the  morning is hard to beat. 


He had a photographic memory that  was never developed. 


A midget fortune-teller who escapes  from prison is a small medium at large. 


Once you’ve seen one shopping  center, you’ve seen a mall. 


Bakers trade bread  recipes on a knead-to-know basis. 


Santa’s helpers are subordinate  clauses. 


Acupuncture is a jab well  done.

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