This is a true story from the WordPerfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department.
Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired.
Operator: Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?
Caller: Yes, well, I’m having trouble with WordPerfect.
Operator: What sort of trouble?
Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.
Operator: Went away?
Caller: They disappeared.
Operator: Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?
Caller: It’s blank; it won’t accept anything when I type.
Operator: Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?
Caller: How do I tell?
Operator: Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?
Caller: What’s a sea-prompt?
Operator: Never mind. Can you move your cursor around the screen?
Caller: There isn’t any cursor: I told you, it won’t accept anything I type.
Operator: Does your monitor have a power indicator?
Caller: What’s a monitor?
Operator: It’s the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it’s on?
Caller: I don’t know.
Operator: Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?
Caller: Yes, I think so.
Operator: Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it’s plugged into the wall.
Caller: Yes, it is.
Operator: When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?
Operator: Well, there you are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.
Caller: Okay, here it is.
Operator: Follow it for me, and tell me if it’s plugged securely into the back of your computer.
Caller: I can’t reach.
Operator: Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?
Operator: Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?
Caller: Oh, it’s not because I don’t have the right angle – it’s because it’s dark.
Caller: Yes – the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
Operator: Well, turn on the office light then.
Caller: I can’t.
Operator: No? Why not?
Caller: Because there’s a power failure.
Operator: A power… a power failure? Aha, okay, we’ve got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?
Caller: Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.
Operator: Good. Go get them and unplug your system, and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.
Caller: Really? Is it that bad?
Operator: Yes, I’m afraid it is.
Caller: Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?
Operator: Tell them you’re too stupid to own a computer.
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one
Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can’t get my CD out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No, wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk… sorry….
Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello. I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you like to click on ‘start’ for me and…
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print.
Every time I try, it says ‘can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it..
Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a colour printer?
Customer: Aaaah…thank you.
Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woollies.
Customer: My keyboard’s not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk ten paces back.
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…
Tech support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter ‘V’ as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?
Customer: I can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: Okay, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.
Tech support: Okay Colin, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.
Customer: I don’t have a ‘P’.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: ‘P’…on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!