My Dear Husband
I’m writing this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you. I’ve been a good wife to you for the last 20 years & I have nothing to show for it, and the last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you left your job today which was the last straw.
Last week, you came home and you didn’t even notice I had a new hairstyle, had cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new nightie.
You ate in two minutes and went straight to sleep after watching your TV soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife.
Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone.
Your Ex-Wife.
Don’t try to find me. Your BROTHER and I are moving to New Zealand together! Have a great life!
Reply:
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you and I have been married for 20 years, although a good wife is a far cry from what you’ve been.
I watch TV soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & bitching. Too bad that doesn’t work anymore. I did notice when you got a new hairdo last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a boy!’
Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment, and when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have got me confused with my brother because I haven’t eaten prawns for 7 years.
About the new nightie: I turned away from you because the $299.99 price tag was still on it, and I prayed it was a coincidence that my brother had just borrowed $300 from me that morning.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt we could work it out. So when I won the $20 million Lotto, on Saturday, I left my job and bought two tickets to Paris for us, but when I got home you were gone.
Everything happens for a reason, I guess.
I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dollar from me.
So take care.
Signed
Your Ex-Husband (Rich As Hell & Free!)
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my brother Carl was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem!
