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A brain of feathers, and a heart of lead.
Alexander Pope
A mental midget with the IQ of a fence post.
Tom Waits
A wit with dunces, and a dunce with wits.
Alexander Pope
Did you eat a brain tumour for breakfast?
from “Heathers”
Differently clued.
Dave Clark
Doesn’t know much, but leads the league in nostril hair.
Josh Billing
End of season sale at the cerebral department.
Gareth Blackstock
Has the mathematical abilities of a Clydesdale.
David Letterman
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.
Abraham Lincoln
He has the attention span of a lightning bolt.
Robert Redford
He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.
Billy Wilder
He is brilliant – to the top of his boots.
David Lloyd George
He is so stupid you can’t trust him with an idea.
John Steinbeck
He is useless on top of the ground; he aught to be under it, inspiring the cabbages.
Mark Twain
He knew everything about literature except how to enjoy it.
Joseph Heller
He knows nothing and thinks he knows everything. That points clearly to a political career.
George Bernard Shaw
He knows so little and knows it so fluently.
Ellen Glasgow
He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
Forrest Tucker
He may look like an idiot and talk like an idiot but don’t let that fool you. He really is an idiot.
Groucho Marx
He never chooses an opinion; he just wears whatever happens to be in style.
Leo Tolstoy
He never said a foolish thing nor never did a wise one.
Earl of Rochester
He not only overflowed with learning, but stood in the slop.
Sydney Smith
He thinks by infection, catching an opinion like a cold.
John Ruskin
He used statistics the way a drunkard uses lampposts – for support, not illumination.
Andrew Lang
He was born stupid, and greatly increased his birthright.
Samuel Butler
He was distinguished for ignorance; for he had only one idea and that was wrong.
Benjamin Disraeli
His golf bag does not contain a full set of irons.
Robin Williams
His ignorance covers the world like a blanket, and there’s scarcely a hole in it anywhere.
Mark Twain
His ignorance is encyclopaedic.
Abba Eban
His mind is so open – so open that ideas simply pass through it.
- H. Bradley
His mind is so open that the wind whistles through it.
Heywood Braun
I want to reach your mind – where is it currently located?
Ashleigh Brilliant
I wish I’d known you when you were alive.
Leonard Louis Levinson
I would not want to put him in charge of snake control in Ireland.
Eugene McCarthy
If he ever had a bright idea it would be beginner’s luck.
William Lashner “Veritas”
Little things affect little minds.
Benjamin Disraeli
Next-day delivery in a nanosecond world.
Van Jacobson
No more sense of direction than a bunch of firecrackers.
Rob Wagner
Please try not to be such a wiener-head.
Dave Barry
Sharp as a sack full of wet mice.
Foghorn Leghorn
She had a pretty gift for quotation, which is a serviceable substitute for wit.
- Somerset Maugham
She is a water bug on the surface of life.
Gloria Steinem
She’s descended from a long line her mother listened to.
Gypsy Rose Lee
Stay with me; I want to be alone.
Joey Adams
Teflon brain (nothing sticks.)
Lily Tomlin
That young girl is one of the least benightedly unintelligent organic life forms it has been my profound lack of pleasure not to be able to avoid meeting.
Douglas Adams
They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge.
Thomas Brackett Reed
Useless as a pulled tooth.
Mary Roberts Rinehart
What has a tiny brain, a big mouth, and an opinion nobody cares about? You!
from “Murphy Brown”
What’s on your mind? If you’ll forgive the overstatement.
Fred Allen
When you go to the mind reader, do you get half price?
David Letterman
While he was not dumber than an ox he was not any smarter either.
James Thurber
You look into his eyes, and you get the feeling someone else is driving.
David Letterman
You’ve got the brain of a four-year-old boy, and I bet he was glad to get rid of it.
Groucho Marx
