A chap developed a slight problem with his manhood which would NOT always respond as required. He took himself to The doctor who gave him a full and thorough examination. The doctor said it was quite a severe case BUT he had a treatment which involved injecting the thing with some elephant’s tissue. The cure was agreed and carried out with no problems.
After a while the man was impatient to know how it all worked so he took his squeeze out to a very romantic meal with loads of wine and sure enough after a couple of hours he felt an unusual stirring in his loins. And to his great surprise his manhood slipped out above the table, bent round and grabbed a bun which it slid back under the table. His girlfriend was mesmerised to the point where she asked if he could do that again? The man wondered for a moment and then replied, “I think I could do it again, but I am not sure if there is space for a second bun up by backside!”
GOOD NEWS and BAD NEWS
The lawyer says to the Chairman: “I have good news and bad news.”
The Chairman replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer says: “Your wife invested £20,000 in five pictures that are worth a minimum of £2 million.”
The Chairman replies enthusiastically: “Well done, that is very good news indeed!
You’ve made my day; now what is the bad news?”
The lawyer answers: “They are pictures of you in bed with your secretary.”
A Royal Navy Destroyer stops four immigrants in a boat, rowing towards Brighton .The captain gets on the loud hailer and shouts :”Ahoy, small craft, where are you heading?”
One of the immigrants stands up and shouts,”We are invading England!”
The crew of the Destroyer all start laughing and when the captain finally stops laughing, he gets back on the loud hailer and says, “Just the four of you?”
The immigrant stands up again and shouts, “No, we’re the last four. The rest are already there.”
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says,”This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry, we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” the man says. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”
“Really? Great! Show me!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavoured condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”
“Womanizing ? What do you mean ? – Womanizing ? I’m a happily married man!”
“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”
“Oh, that,” he sighed.
“Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking and asked for aspirin?”
John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith. So they loaded up John’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” John said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Keith and asked, “Keith, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?”
“Yes, I do,” said Keith.
“Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Well, um, yes!” Keith said, a little embarrassed about being found out, “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?”
Keith’s face turned beet red and he said, “Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
A tough looking group of bikers were out riding when they saw a woman about to jump off a bridge… so they stopped and parked their Harleys. Their leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says,”What are you doing?”
“I’m going to commit suicide,” she says.
While he didn’t want to appear insensitive, he didn’t want to miss an opportunity either, so he asked “Well, before you jump, why don’t you give me a kiss?”
So she does…and it was a long, deep, lingering, spine-tingling kiss.
After she’s finished, the biker leader says,”Wow! That was the best kiss I’ve ever had! That’s a real talent you are wasting. You could be famous. Why in the world would you want to commit suicide?”
“My parents don’t like me dressing up like a girl.”
The authorities think she may have been pushed.
A college class were told they had to write a short story in as few words as possible.
The instructions were the story had to contain the following three things:-
Below is the only A+ short story in the entire class
“Good God, I’m Pregnant; I wonder who did it”
On a beautiful summer’s day, two English tourists were driving through Wales.
At Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch,
and one of the tourists asked the waitress.
‘Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us.
Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly? ‘
The girl leaned over and said, ‘ Burrr . gurrr . king ‘
Four friends, who hadn’t seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party. After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.
The first guy said “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he’s the president of the company. He became so rich, that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”
The second guy said “Darn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets he’s so rich
that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”
The third man said “Well, that’s terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also
gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday, a 30,000 square foot mansion.”
The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked “What are all the congratulations for?”
One of the three said, “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons…What about your son?”
The fourth man replied, “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”
The three friends said, “What a shame… What a disappointment.”
The fourth man replied “No, I’m not ashamed. He’s my son and I love him. He hasn’t done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”
My one day of employment
After landing my new job as a B&Q greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day. About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, obese, hairy, mean-acting really ugly woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
As I had been instructed, I said, pleasantly, “Good morning and welcome to B&Q.”
I then said, “Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no, they ain’t twins. The oldest one’s 9, and the other one’s 7.
Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just thick?”
I replied, “I’m neither blind nor stupid, Madam. I just couldn’t believe someone has been to bed with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at B & Q.”
My supervisor said I probably wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
I was walking past the local mental hospital the other day,
and I heard all the patients were shouting, “13…13…13”. The fence was too high to see over but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked though to see what was going on. Some idiot poked me in the eye with a blunt stick and then they all started shouting,”14…14…14…”
Three strangers strike up a conversation in the airport passenger lounge in Calgary , Alberta while awaiting their respective flights. One is a native Indian from the Sarcee Reservation. Another is a cowboy on his way to Vancouver for a livestock auction. The third passenger is a fundamentalist Arab student newly arrived at the University of Calgary from the Middle East. Their discussion drifts to their diverse cultures.
Soon, the two Albertans learn that the Arab is a devout, radical Muslim and the conversation falls into an uneasy lull. The cowboy leans back in his chair, crosses his boots on a magazine table and tips his big sweat-stained hat forward over his face.
The wind outside is blowing tumbleweeds around and the old windsock is flapping, but still no plane comes. To break the silence, the Indian clears his throat and softly speaks: “At one time here, my people were many but sadly now, we are few.”
The Muslim student raises an eyebrow and leans forward: “Once my people were few” he sneers, “but now we are many. Why do you suppose that is?”
The Alberta cowboy shifts his toothpick to one side of his mouth, and from the darkness beneath his Stetson says in a smooth drawl, “That’s ’cause we ain’t played Cowboys and Muslims yet…but I do believe it’s a-comin’…”
I get irritated when people come down on our law enforcement officers, saying that they don’t care about, or respect others. Well, here is a story that clearly shows not all cops are in that category.
This story involves The Metropolitan Police who reported finding a man’s body last Saturday in the early evening in the Thames just beyond Westminster. The dead man’s name would not be released until his family had been notified. The victim apparently drowned due to excessive beer consumption while visiting “someone” in a local bar . He was wearing black fishnet stockings, 4 inch spiked heels, a red garter belt, a pink G-string, purple lipstick, dazzle dust on his eyelids, 1/2 inch false eyelashes and a Nick Clegg T-shirt.
The police removed the Nick Clegg T-shirt to spare his family any unnecessary embarrassment. See there, The Police really do care!
THE RUGBY LOVING HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the Rugby World Cup Final. As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. “No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”
“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Rugby Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the rugby world and not use it?”
He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head. “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while. Then said, “You’re A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.”
She asks,”What does that mean?”
He said, “Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.”
She smiled happily and said,”Oh, that’s so lovely … What about I, J, K?”
He said, “I’m Just Kidding!”
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his private parts.
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: ‘Talking Dog For Sale’. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.
‘You talk?’ he asks.
‘Yep,’ the Lab replies.
After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, ‘So, what’s your story?’
The Lab looks up and says, ‘Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running…
‘But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. ‘Ten dollars,’ the guy says.
‘Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’
‘Because he’s a liar. He’s never been out of the yard.’
Some years ago a small rural town in Spain was twinned with a similar town in Greece. The Mayor of the Greek town visited the Spanish town. When he saw the palatial mansion belonging to the Spanish mayor he wondered how he could afford such a house.
The Spaniard said; “You see that bridge over there? The European Union gave us a grant to build a four-lane bridge, but by building a single lane bridge with traffic lights at either end this house could be built”.
The following year the Spaniard visited the Greek town. He was simply amazed at the Greek Mayor’s house, gold taps, marble floors, it was marvellous. When he asked how this could be afforded the Greek said, “You see that bridge over there?”
The Spaniard replied; “No.”
A grandson got lost at the shopping mall.He approached a uniformed security guard and said,”I’ve lost my Grandpa!”
The guard asked, “What is his name?”
The child replied,”Grandpa”
The guard smiled and then asked, “What’s he like?”
The little mite hesitated for a long moment and then replied,
“Five-year-old malt whiskey and ladies with very long legs”
A guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church. He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of buxom ladies who appear to have mislaid their garments. He hears a priest come in:
“Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.”
The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side.”
Those of us who spend much time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this!
Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line? Here’s what happened to Bubba:
Bubba walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Bubba said: ‘Shingles.’
So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat. Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had. Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’ So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Bubba sitting patiently in the nude and asked Bubba what he had.
Bubba said, ‘Shingles.’
The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Bubba said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’
A drunk man who smelled strongly of beer sat down on the Tube next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, “Say Father, what causes arthritis?”
The priest replies, “My Son, it’s by loose living, being with cheap,wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.”
The drunk muttered in response, “Well, blow be down,” then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologised. “I’m very sorry. I didn’t mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?”
The drunk answered, “I don’t have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”
A man called home to his wife and said, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box. We’re leaving From the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up.
“Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pyjamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a bit fishy but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish? He said, “Yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill, and a few swordfish. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pyjamas like I asked you to do?”
The wife replied, “I did. They’re in your fishing box ”
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.
The gay guy proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher’s widow said to the hired hand, “You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.”
The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o’clock came, however, and he didn’t return. Two o’clock and still no hired hand! Finally the ranch hand returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher’s widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and take it off,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.
“Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly.
“Now take off my socks.” He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told, dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, “If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
“Of course, child. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”
“I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”
”With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.”
When they got to customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”
“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”
“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”
Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How did you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally I died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer — we’d both still be alive.
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage.
“Hey, Doc, want to take a look at this?”
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle. The mechanics straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and ask,”So Doc, look at this engine. I open its’ heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how come I make $39,675 a year and you get the really big bucks ($1,695,759) when you and I are doing basically the same work?”
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned over, then whispered to the mechanic,”Try doing it with the engine running.”
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, “Perfect timing. You’re just like Brian.”
Cabbie: “Brian Sullivan. He’s a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time.”
Passenger: “There are always a few clouds over everybody.”
Cabbie: “Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.”
Passenger: “Sounds like he was something really special.”
Cabbie: “There’s more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right.”
Passenger: “Wow. Some guy then.”
Cabbie: “He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan.”
Passenger: “An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?”
Cabbie: “Well, I never actually met Brian. I’m married to his ex.”
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Years Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house.
As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat.
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night so she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, “He’s just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. “Sorry I took so long,” I said, as we drove away. “That stupid fool was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat self downstairs and threw her into the back yard!”
The cab driver hit a parked car.
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: “Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and…oh, help!”
Silence followed! Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. “Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you . While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!”
One Irish passenger yelled, “And … you should see the back of mine!”
A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a garage mechanic.
He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.
Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying: “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade.”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
After a pause, the instructor added, “I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I’ve never seen done in my entire career.”
The Italian Affair
For two years a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation, or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go back to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write ‘Spaghetti’ on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about nine months later, he came home to his confused wife. “Honey!” she said, “you received a very strange post card today.”
“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later”, he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted. On the card was written:
“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meat balls, two without. Send extra sauce.”
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said,”Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?”
“Yes, I know,” said the lady. “I need both my hands to hold onto this hat.”
“But madam, you must know that some of your privates are exposed!” said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied,”Sir, anything you see down there is at least 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!”
A couple’s maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked, “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Señora, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Your husband says so.”
Maria: :The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Your husband did.”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better than you in bed.”
Wife: (really furious now) “Did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Señora… the gardener did. And he is much better than your husband.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
A couple drove their car to supermarket, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car.
On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching. The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.
A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office. The interviewer asks him, “Are you allergic to anything?”
He replies, “Yes, caffeine.”
“Have you ever worked for the public service before?”
“Yes, I was in the army.” he says, “I was in Iraq for two tours.”
The interviewer says, “That will give you five extra points toward employment.”
Then he asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
The guy says, “Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both of my testicles.”
The interviewer grimaces and then says, “Okay. You’ve got enough points for me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm…but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am – and carry on starting at 10.00am every day.”
The bloke is puzzled and asks, “If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm, why don’t you want me here until 10.00am? I’m not looking for any special treatment you know.”
“What you have to understand is that this is a council job,” the interviewer says. “For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our private parts.
There’s no point in you coming in for that.”
The dentist pulls out a huge needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man’s tooth. “No way! No eedles. I hate needles,” the patient said.
The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects, “I can’t do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”
The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill.
“No objection,” the patient says. “I’m fine with pills.”
The dentist then returns and says, “Here’s a Viagra tablet.”
The patient says, “Wow! I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain killer!”
“It doesn’t,” said the dentist, “but it’s going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.”
A 15-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your Mother.”
A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss. She sent him a ‘Thank you note’ by email. Bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce.
The email says: “Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke. Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it. I’ve always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot”
Moral: A “space” is an essential part in English
The only cow in a small town in Scotland stopped giving milk. The town folk found they could buy a cow in Wales quite cheaply. They brought the cow from Wales and it was wonderful, produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away.
If he approaches from the back, she moves forward,” they said. “When he approaches her from the front, she backs off.
If he attempts from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,”Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Wales .
“You are truly a wise vet,” they said.
“How did you know we got the cow from Wales?”
“The vet replied with a distant look in his eye, “My wife is from Wales”
An old Pilot in his full flying outfit sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, “Are you a real pilot?”
He replied, “Well, I’ve spent my whole life flying biplanes, Cubs, Aeronca’s, Nieuports, flew in WWII in a B-29, and later in the Korean conflict, taught 50 people to fly and gave rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?”
She said, “I’m a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.”
The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, “Are you a real pilot?”
He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out I’m a lesbian.”
A nun, badly needing to use the restroom, walked into a local nightclub. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation, and every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, “May I please use the toilet?”
The bartender replied, “OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there, wearing only a fig leaf.”
“Well, in that case, I’ll just look the other way.” said the nun.
So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause! She went to the bartender and said, “Sir, I don’t understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?”
“Well, now they know you’re one of us,” said the bartender.
“Would you like a drink? It’s on the house.”
“No, thank you. But, I still don’t understand.” said the puzzled nun.
“Well, sister,” laughed the bartender, “every time someone lifts the figleaf on that statue in the restroom, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?”
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn’t have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a ‘for sale’ sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.
“Well, it’s quite simple, really,” says the seller, “whenever the bike is outside and it’s gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.”
And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.
That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, “I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don’t talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes.”
“No problem,” he says. And in they go.
Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation. So he leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and makes advances. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and makes love right there, in front of her parents.
His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. ‘She’s got a great body,’ he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her every which way right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.
All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father shouted, “I’ll do the dishes!”
Next time you think your hotel bill is too high you might want to consider this…
Husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for £350.00.
The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren’t worth £350.00! When the clerk tells him £350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains.
“Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager.
He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again.
‘Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replies.
No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, “this check is only made out for £50.00.”
“That’s correct,” says the man. “I charged you £300.00 for sleeping with my wife.”
“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.
“Well, too bad,” the man replies. “She was here and you could have!”
A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men’s toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn’t help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, ‘You must be in year four.’
‘No, madam,’ he replied. ‘I’m riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.”
A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids. “Wow,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?”
“Yeah they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, “Sit down Terry.”
All the children rush to find seats.
“Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.”
“This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.”
“Okay, and who’s next?”
“Well, this one he is Terry, also.”
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
“All right,” says the caseworker. “I’m seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?”
Their mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry! An’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an they all come runnin. An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell ‘Terry’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin em all Terry.”
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, “But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?”
“I call ‘em by their surnames!”
Tom retired in his early 50’s and started a second career. However, even though he loved his new job, he just couldn’t seem to get to work on time. Every day, he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. Finally, one day, his boss called him into the office for a talk.
“Tom, I must tell you, I truly like your work ethic, you do a bang-up job, but being late for work nearly every day is quite annoying to me as well as your fellow workers.”
Tom replied, “Yes, sir, I know. I’m sorry, but I am working on it.”
“That’s what I like to hear,” his boss said. “However, the fact that you consistently come to work late does puzzle me because I understand that you retired from the United States Marine Corps, and they have some pretty rigid rules about tardiness. Isn’t that correct?”
“Yes. I did retire from the Marine Corps, and I’m mighty proud of it!” said Tom.
“Well, what did they say when you came in late?” asked his boss?
“They said, “Good morning, General.”
London Met Police Job Interview
A man seeking to join the London Met’s Firearms Department, is being interviewed. The Chief Constable doing the interview says, “Your qualifications look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.”
Then, sliding a loaded service pistol across the desk, he says, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot an illegal immigrant, a drug dealer, a religious extremist, and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?”
“Great attitude”, says the Chief Constable. “When can you start?”
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address or postcode. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is my birthday, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Please help me.
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
A few days later, another letter came addressed to God and in the same hand. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it might have been those naughty folk at the post office. Sincerely,
The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday. This announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the British government’s ‘Work for the Dole’ scheme and employ some Liverpudlian teenagers.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than six seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!
At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under six seconds, but within 12 seconds they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the McLaren team for eight cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton’s girlfriend in the shower.
The commanding officer of a Marine regiment was about to start the morning briefing to his staff, battalion and company commanders. While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the colonel decided to pose a question to all assembled. He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he failed to get his usual amount of sound sleep. He posed the question of just how much of love making was ‘work’ and how much of it was ‘pleasure?’
The regimental executive officer chimed in with 75-25% in favor of work. A captain said it was 50-50%. The colonel’s aide responded with 25-75% in favor of pleasure, depending on his state of inebriation at the time.
There being no consensus, the colonel turned to the private who was in charge of making the coffee. What was HIS opinion? Without any hesitation, the young private responded, “Sir, it has to be 100% pleasure.”
The colonel was surprised and, as you might guess, asked why?
“Well, sir, if there was any work involved, the officers would have me doing it for them.”
The room fell silent.
Police work must have a modicum of entertainment as well as being dangerous.
Recently in Victoria, a female police officer arrested Patrick LAWRENCE, a 22 year old male, who was caught fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.
The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria , Australia), LAWRENCE was charged with lewd and lascivious Behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.
LAWRENCE explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop. “You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside… Well, there was no one around for miles – or at least I thought there wasn’t anyone around…” he stated.
LAWRENCE went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need. “I s’pose I was really into it, you know?” he commented with evident embarrassment.
In the process of doing the deed, LAWRENCE failed to notice an approaching police car and was unaware of his audience, until Senior Constable Brenda TAYLOR approached him.
‘It was an unusual situation, that’s for sure,’ said Senior Constable TAYLOR. ‘I walked up to LAWRENCE – and he’s just banging away at this pumpkin…’
Senior Constable TAYLOR went on to describe what happened when she approached LAWRENCE … “I said ‘Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?’”
“LAWRENCE froze and was clearly very surprised that I was there. But then he looked me straight in the eye and said, ‘A pumpkin? Christ! Is it midnight already?’”
The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.
The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as “The best come-back line” ever.
A couple take on an 18-year-old girl as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn’t have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.
“Monday is the best night, when my husband goes out to darts”, she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.
After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn’t have any pubic hair and told her husband when he came home. He didn’t believe her so she said, “Next week I’ll leave a gap in the curtains so that you can see for yourself.”
The following Monday, while the girl again got undressed, the wife asked, “Do you shave?”
“No”, replied the girl. “I’ve just never grown any hairs down there. Do you have hairs?”
“Oh yes,” said the woman and she showed off her hairy area.
When the husband got back in she asked, “Did you see it?”
“Yes”, he said. “But why the hell did you have to show her yours?”
“Why not?” she said. “You’ve seen it all before.”
“I know”, he said, “but the darts team hadn’t!”
Making a baby – and there is not one dirty word in it.
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, “Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.”
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. “Good morning, Ma’am,” he said, “I’ve come to…”
“Oh, no need to explain,” Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, “I’ve been expecting you.”
“Have you really?” said the photographer. “Well, that’s good Did you know babies are my specialty?”
“Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.”
After a moment she asked, blushing, “Well, where do we start?”
“Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.”
“Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!”
“Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.”
“My, that’s a lot!” gasped Mrs. Smith.
“Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.”
“Don’t I know it,” said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. “This was done on the top of a bus,” he said.
“Oh, my God!” Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
“And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.”
“She was difficult?” asked Mrs. Smith.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look.”
“Four and five deep?” said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
“Yes,” the photographer replied. “And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.”
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. “Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh…equipment?”
“It’s true, Ma’am, yes… Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.”
“Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on.
It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.”
Mrs Smith fainted.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up
and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough Sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen the finest wedding tackle. I don’t want to go to Iraq either.”
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight. He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?”
The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs.”
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing Eye dog! The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her nine-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, he sees them and hides in the wardrobe to watch. The woman’s husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the wardrobe, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, “Dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a football.”
Man: “That’s nice”
Boy: “Want to buy it?”
Man: “No, thanks.”
Boy: “My Dad’s outside.”
Man: “OK, how much?”
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the wardrobe together.
Boy: “Dark in here.”
Man: “Yes, it is.”
Boy: “I have a pair of football boots.”
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
A few days later, the Dad says to the boy, “Grab your football and boots, let’s go outside and have a kick about.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold them.”
The Dad asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
The Dad says, “That’s terrible to over charge your friends like that…that is way more than those two things cost. I’m taking you to church, to confession.”
They go to the church and the Dad makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, “Dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that nonsense again; you’re in my cupboard now.”
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up a conversation. The black Lab turned to the chocolate Lab and said, “So why are you here?”
The brown Lab replied, “I’m a wetter. I wet on everything… the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I peed in the middle of my owner’s bed.”
The black Lab said, “So what is the vet going to do?”
“Gonna to castrate me,” came the reply from the chocolate Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”
The black Lab then turned to the yellow lab and asked, “Why are you here?”
The yellow Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the Hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owner’s couch.”
“So what are they going to do to you?” the black Lab inquired.
“Looks like I’m going to be castrated too,” the dejected yellow Lab said. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”
The yellow Lab then turned to the black Lab and asked, “Why are you in here?”
“I’m a humper,” the black Lab said. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see. Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.”
The yellow and chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, “So, castration too, huh?”
The black Lab said…”No, I’m here to get my nails clipped.”
A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are getting divorced. We’ve decided that forty-five years of misery is enough!”
“Dad, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and you can tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “Like hell they’re getting divorced,’ she shouts, “I’ll take care of this!”
She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father, “You are NOT getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says.
“They’re coming for Christmas – and they’re paying their own way.”
A hippie was riding on the bus, and was sitting beside a Nun. He said to the Nun, “I want to make love to you!”
The Nun replied to the Hippie, “I am a Nun, I cannot do such things.”
Shortly afterwards the Nun got off at her stop. The Bus Driver calls the Hippie up to the front of the bus and says, “I know how you can make love to that Nun…”
The Hippie asks, “How?”
“Well,” said the driver, “Every Tuesday at midnight the Nun goes to the cemetery and prays. If you dressed up in robes and had some glowing stuff on your face you could pretend you were God and demand love from her.”
“Good idea,” the Hippie said.
So on the next Tuesday night he gets dressed up in some robes, puts some stuff on his face to make it glow and goes to the cemetery to wait. Sure enough the Nun showed up just before midnight, kneeled down and started praying to God.
The Hippie steps out in front of the Nun, face glowing, robes moving in the breeze and said, “I’ll answer your prayers Sister, but first you have to make love to me.”
The Nun is shocked to see God in front of her. She said, “OK, but it must not be normal as I have to keep my chastity.”
“Fine,” said the Hippie.
The Nun then kneels down, pulls up her dress and the Hippie does his thing. When he is done he stands up, whips off his robes and yells,”HA! HA! I am the Hippie!”
Whereas the Nun stands up, whips off her clothes and said,
“HA! HA! I am the gay Bus Driver!”
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. “Since you’ve been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.”
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, “I want to hang out with God.”
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, “Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley-Davidson
motorcycle?” Arthur said, “Yeah, that’s me…”
God commented: “Well, what’s the big deal in inventing something that’s pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can’t run without a road?”
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, “Excuse me, but aren’t you the inventor of woman?”
God said, “Ah, yes.”
“Well,” said Arthur, “professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
- There’s too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
- It chatters constantly at high speeds
- Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
- The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
- The maintenance costs are outrageous!”
“Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,” replied God, “hold on.”
God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a few words and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. “Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed,” God said to Arthur, “but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours.”
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Boots. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars . . . A lot cheaper than a Doctor.”
So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Boots. He deposits ten dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
Thank you for shopping @ Boots.”
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample for good measure. Joe hurries back to Boots, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
- Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9)
- Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
- Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
- Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren’t yours. Get a solicitor.
- If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better!
Thank you for shopping @ Boots
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he is in there, the husband whispers over to his wife, “Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes, he has probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck if he wants love don’t resist don’t complain… do whatever he tells you satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you causes this guy is obviously dangerous. If he gets angry he could kill us both… be strong honey I love you!’
His wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck – he was whispering in my ear and he told me he’s gay, thinks you’re hot and asked if we had any Vaseline. So, I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey I love you too’
While on his morning walk, a socialist Prime Minister falls over, has a heart attack and dies because the accident and emergency dept at his nearest hospital has been closed in a ‘rationalisation’ programme. So his soul arrives in Heaven and he is met by Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.
“Welcome to Heaven,” says Saint Peter, “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a Socialist around these parts, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in; I’m a good Christian; I’m a believer,” says the PM.
“I’d like to just let you in, but I have orders from God Himself. He says that since the implementation of his new HEAVEN CHOICES policy, you have to spend one day in Hell and one day in Heaven. Then you must choose where you’ll live for eternity.”
“But I’ve already made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven,” replies the PM.
“I’m sorry … But we have our rules,” Peter interjects. And, with that, St. Peter escorts him to an elevator and he goes down, down, down … all the way to Hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a lush golf course. The sun is shining in a cloudless sky. The temperature is a perfect 22C degrees. In the distance is a beautiful clubhouse. Standing in front of it are past PMs and thousands of other Socialist luminaries who had helped out over the years. All of the past socialist leaders were there … everyone laughing, happy, and casually, but expensively dressed. They run to greet him, to hug him and to reminisce about the good times they had getting rich at the expense of ‘suckers and peasants.’
They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. The Devil himself comes up to the PM with a frosty drink, “Have a tequila and relax, Gord!”
“Uh, I can’t drink anymore, I took a pledge,” says the PM, dejectedly.
“This is Hell, son. You can drink and eat all you want and not worry and it just gets better from there!”
The PM takes the drink and finds himself liking the Devil, who he thinks is a really very friendly bloke who tells funny jokes like himself and pulls hilarious nasty pranks, kind of like the ones all the politicians pulled with Europe, Education, Taxation, Immigration, and Crime promises.
They are having such a great time that, before he realises it, it’s time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves as the PM steps on the elevator and heads upward.
When the elevator door reopens, he is in Heaven again and Saint Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit Heaven,” the old man says, opening the gate.
So for 24 hours the PM is made to hang out with a bunch of honest, good-natured people who enjoy each other’s company, talk about things other than money and treat each other decently. Not a nasty prank or stupid joke among them. No fancy country clubs here and, while the food tastes great, it’s not caviar or lobster. And these people are all poor. He doesn’t see anybody he knows and he isn’t even treated like someone special!
“Whoa,” he says uncomfortably to himself. “Previous PMs never prepared me for this!”
The day done, Saint Peter returns and says, “Well, you’ve spent a day in Hell and a day in Heaven. Now choose where you want to live for Eternity.”
With the ‘Deal or No Deal’ theme playing softly in the background, the PM reflects for a minute. Then answers: “Well, I would never have thought I’d say this — I mean, Heaven has been delightful and all — but I really think I belong in Hell with my friends.”
So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down, all the way to Hell.
The doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren scorched earth covered with garbage and toxic industrial wasteland, looking a bit like the eroded, rabbit and fox affected Australian outback, but worse and more desolate.
He is horrified to see all of his friends, dressed in rags and chained together, picking up the roadside rubbish and putting it into black plastic bags. They are groaning and moaning in pain, faces and hands black with grime. The Devil comes over to the PM and puts an arm around his shoulder.
“I don’t understand,” stammers a shocked PM. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and a club-house and we ate lobster and caviar and drank tequila. We lazed around and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and everybody looks miserable!”
The Devil looks at him, smiles slyly and purrs,”Yesterday we were campaigning; today you voted for us!”
A crusty old man walks into the local Baptist Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?”
“Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!”
“I’m very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church.”
The secretary leaves her desk and goes into the pastor’s study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?”
“There is no damn problem,” the man says. “I just won $200million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money.”
“I see,” said the pastor. “And is this silly woman is giving you a hard time?”
Two Mexican businessmen in Tijuana were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up. One said to the other, “I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Japanese tourist walked to the window, had a peek, and in a thick Japanese accent asked, “What you sell?”
One of the men replied sarcastically, “We’re selling idiots.”
Without skipping a beat, the Japanese man said, “You doing very well, only two left!”
A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a
gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home.
While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, “I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates. “In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.”
The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. “It represents a candle,” he said.
“You may pass through the pearly gates,” Saint Peter said.
The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells.”
Saint Peter said, “You may pass through the pearly gates.”
The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, “And just what do those symbolize?”
The man replied, “These are Carols.”
A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring. He replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me,” he responds. “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: first, you have to be single and second, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“Okay,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” says the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s okay. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party.”
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress hire company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note: “Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg, you will look just right as a pirate.”
The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note: “Dear Sir, sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part.”
The man is really incandescent with rage now as the firm have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter: “Dear Sir, Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your back side and go as a toffee apple.”
Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called a repairman.
Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a check. Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike, he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot! I REPEAT; DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!”
When the repairman arrived at Wanda’s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen. But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work. The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.
Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”
To which the parrot replied, “Get him, Spike!”
A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.
The man turns to her and says, “Ma’am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you’ll forgive me.”
She replies, “If your private parts are as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 221.”
One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband starts rubbing his wife’s arm. The wife turns over and says “I’m sorry honey, I’ve got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.”
The husband, rejected, turns over. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. “Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?”
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks!”
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!”
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman. The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, long eyelashes, muscular. Peter chains them together without saying a word. The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”
The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”
A woman walks into a H & R Block Tax accountant’s office and tells him that she needs help to file her taxes. The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number etc. And then asks, “What is your occupation?”
“I’m a prostitute,” she says.
The H & R Block accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, “No, no, no, that won’t work. Let’s try to rephrase that.”
The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl.”
“No, that still won’t work. Try again.”
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m a chicken farmer.”
The accountant asks, “What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?”
“Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year.”
“Chicken Farmer it is. ”
Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his private parts into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.
One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. “What’s wrong, Bill ?” she asked.
“Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my private parts into the pickle slicer?”
“Oh, Bill, you didn’t” she exclaimed.
“Yes, I did.” he replied.
“Oh dear, Bill. What happened?”
“I got fired.”
” No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?”
“Oh…she got fired too.”
A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, “Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.”
“I know,” the old man said. “We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.”
“Well,” Granny snickered. “Let’s relive some old times.”
Where upon, the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. “You know, honey,” the little old lady breathlessly replied, “My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” replied Gramps.”One’s in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.”
The following is the transcript of an actual radio conversation in October 1995, between a US Navy ship and the British authorities off the north coast of Scotland. The transcript was released by the MoD on the 10/10/95.
BRITISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South. to avoid collision.
US Navy: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the North to avoid collision
BRITISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid collision
US Navy: This is the Captain of US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
BRITISH: Negative I say again divert your course.
US Navy: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER ‘USS LINCOLN’ THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES’ ATLANTIC FLEET.
WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS.
DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT’S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
British reply below…
BRITISH : But we are a lighthouse.
“Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?” St. Peter says, “That’s a question which only God can answer.”
So the zebra goes off in search of God. When he finds Him, the zebra asks, “God, please – I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?”
God simply replies, “You are what you are.”
The zebra then returns to see St. Peter once more, and St. Peter asks
him, “Well, did God straighten out your query for you?”
The zebra looks puzzled. “No,” he says, “God simply said, ‘You are what you are.’”
St.Peter smiles and says to the zebra, “Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.”
The zebra then asks St. Peter, “How do you know that for certain?”
“Because,” said St. Peter, “If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, “You is what you is.”
A tourist walked into a Brighton curio/antique shop. After looking around for a while, he noticed a very life-like bronze Statue of a rat. It had no price tag, but it was so striking that he decided to buy it anyway. He took it to the owner and said: “How much is this bronze rat?”
The owner replied: “It’s ’12 for the rat, and ‘100 for the story.”
The tourist gave the owner his ’12 and said: “I’ll just take the rat. You can keep the story.”
As he walked off down the street, he noticed that a few real rats had crawled out of the sewers and begun following him. This was a little disconcerting, so he started to walk a little faster, but within a couple of blocks the swarm of rats had grown to hundreds, and they were all squealing and screeching in a very menacing way.
He increased his speed and ran on towards the beach, and as he ran, he looked behind him and saw the rats now numbered in their MILLIONS, and they were running faster and faster. By now he was very concerned and ran to down the pier and threw the bronze rat far out into the water. Amazingly, the millions of real rats jumped into the water after it and were all drowned.
The man walked back to relate all this to the shop owner, who said, “Ah, you’ve come back for the story then?”
“No,” said the tourist, “I came back to see if you’ve got any bronze fundamentalists, a couple of immigrants, a politician, a bureaucrat, a Chelsea supporter, and anything French!”
There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser. He told his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!”
She had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away. So her friend said, “I know you weren’t foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”
The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!?”
“I did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a cheque. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”
A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.”
The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
Bond explains, ” It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady says, “What’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any underwear…”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well it must be broken because I do have underwear on!”
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, “The thing is an hour fast.”
I have a Labrador retriever. I was buying a large bag of Purina at Tesco and was in the queue to pay. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog? Duh…On impulse, I told her “no”, and that I was starting The Pedigree Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t because I’d ended up in hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your trouser pockets with Pedigree nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again.
I have to mention here that practically everyone in the queue was by now enthralled with my story. Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her “Hell no, I’d been sitting in the street licking my private parts when a truck hit me”.
One day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.
Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the diner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.
Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: “Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight.”
He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang. He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call.
The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. I took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously. Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than cooked cabbage.
Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. The pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself.
My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. He asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: “Happy Birthday!”
Three competing Church Ministers – Church of England, Pentecostal and Rabbi – were discussing their duties and the various benefits of their different religious approaches. They decided that ordinary congregations were insufficiently taxing for an exhaustive competition. So they agreed to fly to Canada to test their skills on bears in the wilds. All ended in hospital.
The C of E minister, all bandaged and with limbs broken, said that after a good fight with a grizzly he managed to cover the animal with his Holy Water and finally convert him to the calm of Christianity.
The Pentecostal churchman was even more badly damaged, but had after a huge fight had rolled his grizzly into a nearby creek and baptized him under the water – thus calming him and converting him to Christianity.
The Rabbi was almost on death’s door with bandaging, drips and tubes everywhere. When questioned in intensive care about the outcome of his mission with his bear he murmured, ‘On deeper reflection he felt that his initial approach was wrong and given another chance he would not attempt circumcision!’
A young Plymouth woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the sea. But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young sailor stopped her. “You have so much to live for,” said the sailor. “Look, I’m off to America tomorrow and I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take care of you, bring you food everyday, and keep you happy.”
With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always wanted to go to America, the woman accepted. That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.
From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches and make love to her until dawn. Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection.
“What are you doing here?” asked the captain.
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she replied.
“He brings me food and I get a free trip to America. Plus he’s taking advantage of me.”
“He certainly is taking advantage of you,” replied the captain. “This is the Dover to Calais Ferry”.
Tommy Cooper Jokes
- Two blondes walk into a building…you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
- Phone answering machine message: “If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key.”
- A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, “Well, I can clearly see you’re nuts.”
- I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
- I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
- My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
- A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
- I went to a seafood disco last week…and pulled a muscle.
- Two eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can’t have your kayak and heat it.
- Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
- Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says, “I’ll give you some cream to put on it.”
- “Doc, I can’t stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.”
“That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual.”
- A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. “My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” said the vet, “let’s have a look at him”
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.” “What? Because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy”
- Guy goes into the doctor’s. “Doc, I’ve got a cricket ball stuck up my backside.”
“Don’t you start.”
- Two elephants walk off a cliff…boom, boom!
- What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
- So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me, “Can you give me a lift?”
I said, “Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.’
- Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It’s either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger Brother Ho-Cha-Chu? But I think it’s Colin.
- Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other, “Your round.” The other one says “So are you, you fat bast**d!”
- Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
- “You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.”
- A man walked into the doctors, he said, “I’ve hurt my arm in several places.”
The doctor said, “Well don’t go there anymore”
- Ireland’s worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
The Pope and Rabbi Debate
Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert, or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to leave.
The Jewish people met and picked an aged, but wise, Rabbi Moishe to represent them in the debate. However, Moishe spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, so they all agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.
On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other a full minute before the Pope raised his hand. He showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe looked back. He raised one finger. Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat. The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine, Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple. With that, the Pope stood up and declared he was beaten. Rabbi Moishe was too clever and the Jews could stay.
When asked what happened, the Pope said, “First, I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still but one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten, and I could not continue.”
Meanwhile, the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “How did you win the debate?” they asked.
“I haven’t a clue,” said Moishe. “First, he tells me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, and I said to him, ‘We’re staying right here.'”
“Then what happened?” asked a woman
“Who knows?” said Moishe. “He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”
There are three balloons; mummy, daddy and baby balloon. Every night the baby balloon sneaks in to the parents bed and goes to sleep in between them. Anyway it comes to the time when the parents have had enough and tell the now young balloon that enough is enough and he has to promise to stay in his own room. The young balloon regrettably agrees to this and goes to his room.
When night comes he sneaks into his parents room and tries to get in the middle like usual but his parents have spread out and there’s no room, so he thinks I know if I let some air out of my Dad then I should get in…so he lets some air out of his Dad and tries again, still he wont fit, so he thinks I’ll let some air out of Mum, does so and he still cant quite fit, so he then decides to let some air out of himself and squeezes in and has a fantastic warm sleep.
In the morning Daddy balloon wakes up and is infuriated and asks his son why he has broken his promise and the son replies that he can’t sleep in his room. The father sighs resignedly and says, “Do you realise what you have done? Well, do you?”
Wait for it… “You’ve let me down, you’ve let your Mum down and, worst of all, you’ve let yourself down.”
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally nude, in a garden while a sexy, beautiful, big breasted, nude model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his manhood and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction. She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest, Carlos. Poor Carlos. As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off, clattering across the ground and laid to rest in nearby foliage. Embarrassed, Carlos quickly scrambled to where the bell came to rest. He bent over to pick it up. All the other bells started to ring.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized that she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took the seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at the convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I am the lead lecturer where I use information that I have learned from my own personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really?” he said, “and what kinds of myths are there?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African American men are the most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent that are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with the absolutely best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn’t really be discussing all this with you. I don’t even know your name?”
“Tonto… Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Tex.”
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The quite smaller one turned to the quite bigger one and said, “I jes can’t unnerstand hows you kin be so much bigger’n me. We’re the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.”
“Well,” said the big ‘gator, “What you been eatin’, boy?”
“Politicians – same as you,” replied the small ‘gator. “Hmmm. Well, where do y’all catch ’em?”
“Down ‘tother side of the old swamp near The parkin’ lot by the capitol.”
“Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch ’em?”
“Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexuses and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jumps out, grab ’em on the leg, shake the crap out of ’em, and eat ’em!”
“Ah!” says the big alligator, “I think I see your problem. You ain’t gettin’ any real nourishment. Ya see, by the time you get done shakin’ the crap out of a politician, there ain’t nothin’ left but a backside and a briefcase.”
A bloke is in a queue at the Super Market when he notices that the rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him. He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can’t place where he might know her from, so he says, “Sorry, do you know me?”
She replies “I maybe mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children!”
His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful, “Crumbs!” he says “are you that fabulous stripogram on my stag night that I made love to on the snooker table in front of all my mates whilst your gorgeous mate whipped me with some wet celery and a cucumber?”
“No” she replies, “I’m your son’s English Teacher.”
The Prime Minister was visiting a school; the teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word “tragedy.”
So the PM asked the class for an example of a “tragedy.” One little boy stood up and offered, “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said the PM, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained the PM. “That’s what we would call a great loss.”
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. The PM searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room a small boy raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said, “If an aircraft carrying you, Prime Minister, was struck by a friendly fire missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed the PM. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says the boy, “it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn’t be a great loss and it probably wouldn’t be an accident either.”
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose and still heavily sedated from a four hour operation. A young nurse appears in his room to sponge his hands and feet. “Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, I’m only here to wash your hands and feet.”
He struggles again to ask, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Finally, she pulls back the covers, raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other hand, takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them!”
The man removes his oxygen mask and says very slowly, “That was really nice, but listen very, very closely, I will say this only one more time”
A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks the cost of a tooth extraction. “$85 for an extraction, sir,” was the dentist’s reply.
“Och…have ye no got anything cheaper,” replies the Scotsman, getting agitated.
“But that’s the normal charge for an extraction, sir,” said the dentist.
“What about if ye dint use any anaesthetic?” asked the Scotsman, hopefully.
“Well it’s highly unusual, sir, and it could be quite painful, but if that’s what you want, I suppose I can do it for $70,” said the dentist.
“Hmmmm, what if yer used one of your dentist trainees, and still with no anaesthetic?” said the Scotsman.
“Well it’s possible, but they are in training, and I can’t guarantee their professionalism, and it will be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say $40,” said the dentist.
“Och…that’s still a bit much, how about if you make it a training session and have your student do the extraction with the other students watchin and learnin,” said the Scotsman, hopefully.
“Hmmmm, well okay. It’ll be good for the students I suppose. In that case I’ll charge you only $5,” said the dentist.
“Now yer talking laddie! It’s a deal,” said the Scotsman. “Can you confirm an appointment for me wife on Tuesday?”
A report has been received that two traffic patrol officers from North Berwick were involved in an unusual incident whilst checking for speeding motorists on the A1 Great North Road, between Oldhamstocks and Grantshouse.
In early May, they were using a hand-held radar device to trap unwary motorists on the Edinburgh to London trunk road. One of the unnamed officers used the device to check the speed of a vehicle approaching over the crest of a hill. He was somewhat surprised to find that the speed recorded was off the scale, in excess of 300 mph. The machine had then seized up and could not be reset by the bemused PCs.
The radar had in fact latched onto a NATO Tornado aircraft in the North Sea, which was taking part in a low flying exercise over the Borders and Southern Scotland. Following a complaint by Sir William Sutherland, Chief Constable of Lothian & Borders police to the RAF Liaison Office, it was revealed that the officers could be classed as ‘very fortunate’!
The tactical computer on board the Tornado had not only detected and jammed the hostile radar equipment, but had automatically armed a Sidewinder Air-to-Ground Missile, ready to neutralise the perceived threat. Luckily the Dutch pilot was alerted to the missile status and was able to
over-ride the automatic protection system before the missile launched.
The Police have so far declined to comment, although it is understood that officers will be advised to point the radar guns inland, in future.
Years ago I had a friend who told rather tall stories. He said he was walking down Piccadilly one day when he came to a traffic jam. One of the stationary vehicles in it was a large royal motor car in which were George V and Queen Mary. As he passed it he heard her say to the King, “Sit up George, and look like a king,” to which he replied, “If you don’t stop nagging, I’ll get out and walk.”
The sitting in the House of Lords had just finished and, as one of the lords came out of the chamber, he met a member of the House of Commons who knew him and said to him, “You’re a fraud aren’t you?”
“Why me?” asked the peer. “Because you have spent the afternoon debating public transport about which you know nothing. You have never been on a London bus or on the underground.”
The peer gave some thought to this criticism admitted to himself that it was true, and to remedy it. He went out of the Palace of Westminster, saw a stationary bus and jumped onto it without bothering to look at the number.
The conductor came along and asked him, “Where to, sir?”
“63a Belgrave Square, please,” answered the peer.
Sir, I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for and we could all use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on recent talk programme I have finally found inner peace.
A well-respected doctor proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So I looked around my house to see things I’d started and hadn’t finished; and, before leaving the house this morning I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle Sauvignan Blanc, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Sambucca, a packet of chocolate digestives, the remainder of the Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake and a box of mints. You have no idea how good I feel.
A Scotsman climbs to the top of the highest mountain to get closer to talk to God. Looking up, he asks, “Lord, what does a million years mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A minute.”
The Scotsman asks, “And what does a million pounds mean to you?”
The Lord replies, “A penny.”
The Scotsman asks, “Can I have a penny?”
The Lord replies, “In a minute.”
Phil goes on holiday and leaves his favourite dog with his brother James. While away, Phil phones his brother to see how his dog is. Tersely, James says, “The dog is dead.”
“What?” says Phil, “you can’t just tell someone without warning, you have to break the news gently.”
“How?” asks James.
“Well, the first time I call, say the dog is on the roof, that it’s doing fine and not to worry. The next time say she jumped off the roof and broke a leg, that she’s OK, but will have to stay at the vet’s. Are you getting this?”
“Yes,” says James.
“Good,” says Phil. “The next time I call, tell me the dog’s wounds were infected and it died. Then it won’t be such a shock to me, Got it?”
“Yes,” says James.
“By the way,” says Phil. “How’s grandma doing?”
“Well,” James says, “she’s on the roof…”
A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
“They only know how to say, “Hi, we’re hookers. Want to have some fun?”
“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I have taught to pray. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray.”
“Thank you!” the woman responded.
The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say, “Hi, we’re hookers, want to have some fun?”
One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,”Put the beads away, George. Our prayers have been answered.”
Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.
The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man’s fundamentals. In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
“Oh, Patrick,” says the Monsignor, “I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness.”
The candidate leaves.
The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
“Joseph, Joseph, “sighs the Monsignor. “You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness.”
The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.
“Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you,” says the Monsignor. “Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers.”
A Welshman, a sheep and a dog were survivors of a terrible shipwreck. They found themselves stranded on a desert island. After being there for a while, they got into the habit of going to the beach every evening to watch the sun go down. One particular evening the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle; a perfect night for romance. As they sat there, the sheep started looking even better to the Welshman. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it. But the dog got jealous, growling fiercely until the Welshman took his arm away. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks past, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman, the most beautiful the Welshman had ever seen. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to health. When the young maiden was well enough, they introduced her to their evening ritual.
It was another beautiful evening, red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze. Perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the Welshman started to get “those feelings” again. He fought them as long as he could, but he finally gave in and leaned over to the young woman, cautiously he whispered in her ear, “Would you mind taking the dog for a walk?”
A man goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, you’ve got to help me, it’s my leg – it keeps shouting at me and demanding money”
The doctor puts his stethoscope at the top of the man’s leg and listens. The leg shouts, “Give me ’20! Go on, please, I’m skint.”
The doctor jumps back in amazement. He does the same at the knee and it asked for ’15 and then the ankle and is asked for ’10.
The doctor turns to the man and says, “I’ve never seen anything like this in all my career, but I can tell you what’s wrong. Your leg is broke in three places.”
A man walks into a chemist and asks for a packet of condoms. Laughing, he thanks the chemist and leaves.
The man repeats this for the next two weeks. Again, laughing and thanking the chemist. Becoming suspicious, the chemist asks his assistant to follow the man and see where he goes. When he returns, he’s laughing and tells the chemist, ‘your house’.
Mary and Sheila were outside their old people’s nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. Sheila pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Mary: “What’s that?”
Sheila: “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”
Mary: “Where did you get it?”
Sheila: “You can get them at any chemist.”
The next day, Mary hobbles into the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Mary: “Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.”
The pharmacist fainted.
A woman goes into a Pet Shop and sees the most fantastic parrot ever. She asks how much it is. The guy says, “It’s not for sale. It’s been causing problems because of language, which probably comes from where it used to live.”
The woman insists saying she is not bothered by the swearing, offers the guy ‘300, he takes it, and she leaves with the parrot. The parrot gets to the house, settles in and says, “Ah new house, New Madam.”
The woman thinks ah this parrot used to live in a brothel…not so bad.
With that her two daughters arrive and the parrot says, ‘Ah New house, New Girls.’
They all titter and think it’s quite funny. Then the husband comes home and the parrot says ‘Hi Andy how are you doing?’
A man goes to work with both his ears bandaged. His boss asks, “What happened?”
The man says, “I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and I accidentally answered the iron.”
“And what happened to the other ear?”
Well, I had to call the doctor.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.
A man was sent to court for drunk and disorderly conduct. The judge enquired where the defendant worked.
“Here and there,” he replied.
“And what do you do for a living?”
“This and that” came the answer.
The judge turned to a policeman and instructed him to take the man straight to jail.
Wait,” implored the accused, “when will I come out?”
“Sooner or later,” was the reply.
Shipwrecked on an island were a young wife, her boorish husband and a good looking sailor. One morning the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, “Stop making love down there!”
“What’s the matter with you?” asked the husband when he sailor came back down. “We weren’t making love.”
“Sorry” said the sailor, “from up there it looked as if you were.”
Every morning after that, the sailor scaled the tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top;
“He’s right,” said the husband. “It does look as if they’re making love down there.”
A man is sitting at a bar drowning his sorrows, when the barman asks why he’s so glum. He explains that he is going to live in Australia and that his friends are throwing a big party. There’ll be singing and dancing all through the night. They’ve even laid on a firework display. “But why would that depress you?” asked the bemused barman.
“Well,” the man replied, “I haven’t been invited.”
Recipe for Happiness
- A good looking partner
- A good sexual partner
- A frugal partner
- That they never meet!
The Managing Director calls solicitor and asks, “How much would you charge me to answer three questions?”
Lawyer: “Four hundred pounds.”
M.D: “That’s a lot of money isn’t it?”
Lawyer: What is your third question?
Plane waiting to take off . All passengers are safely aboard. Delay is for pilots. Pilots arrive with white stick and guide dog. Passengers laugh, but are anxious. As plane goes down runway towards sea, they all scream, but plane takes off. Passengers settle back down assuming they were over anxious. Later in flight the pilot turns to co-pilot and says, “You know one of these days we won’t be so lucky…and the passengers won’t scream!”
Guy gets hit on head by wife. “What is that for?” he says
“I found a note in your trousers with Mary Lou on it.”
“That is name of horse I bet on,” says her husband.
“Oh, so sorry,” says his wife.
Hit again on head days later.
“What is that for?” shouts her husband
“Your horse rang!”
Walking in bear country can be dangerous. Wear bells and carry pepper spray. Note bear droppings. Brown bears have berries and squirrel fur in them. Grizzlies have bells and pepper spray in them.
The preacher was preaching with all his might. The subject was SIN, and he was ‘against’ it. A girl, with a wonderful figure, and not nearly enough clothes, came in late. She strode down the centre of the aisle, close to the front, and sat down. It was plain to the preacher that he had lost a little over 100% of the men in his audience to this voluptuous object. He shook a fist at her and said, “You are the Jezebel the good book tells us about. You have got the mind of every man in this building on evil thoughts, and not good thoughts. But I am a man of God! You don’t affect me, and right now up in Heaven, Saint Finger is shaking his Peter at you!”
A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered. Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labour pain to the FATHER. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favour of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch. The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer. The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husbands’ blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain. She and her husband were ecstatic. When they got home, the milkman was dead on the porch.
A man and a woman had been married some time when the woman began to question her husband. “I know you’ve been with a lot of woman before. How many were there?”
The husband replied, “Look, I don’t want to upset you, there were many. Let’s just leave it alone.”
The wife continued to beg and plead. Finally, the husband gave in.”Let’s see.” he said “There was one, two, three, four, five, six, you, eight, nine…”
A man takes his wife to the county agricultural show. They start heading down the stalls that house all the bulls. The sign on the first bull’s stall states: “This bull mated 50 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “He mated 50 times in a year, isn’t that nice!”
They proceed to the next bull and his sign stated: “This bull mated 65 times last year.”
The wife turns to her husband and says, “This one mated 65 times last year. That is over 5 times a month. You could learn from this one!”
They proceeded to the last bull and his sign said: “This bull mated 365 times last year.”
The wife’s mouth drops open and says, “Wow! He mated 365 times last year. That is once a day! You could really learn from this one.”
The fed up man turns to his wife and says, “Go up and ask if it was the same cow every day.”
A young Jewish couple took their three-year-old son to doctor Cohen. With some hesitation, they explained that, although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small private parts. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him bagels with cream cheese. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning, when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm bagels and cream cheese in the middle of the table.
“Gee, mommy,” the boy exclaimed. “All for me?”
“Just take one,” his mother replied. “The rest are for your father.”
Jim and Jean decided that the only way to pull off any Sunday afternoon peace together with their nine-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighbourhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plans into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said. “An ambulance just drove by.”
A few moments passed. “Looks like the Smiths have company,” he called out, “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Sanders are in their bedroom.”
Jim and Jean shouted out “How do you know that?”
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
A couple, both age 78, went to a therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, “What can I do for you?”
The man said, “Will you watch us have intercourse?”
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, “There’s nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse,” and charged them ’50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally the doctor asked, “Just exactly what are you trying to find out?”
The old man said, “We’re not really trying to find out anything. She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges ’90. The Hilton charges ’80. We do it here for ’50, and I get ’43 back from BUPA.”
Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend Sheila about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, “Sheila, what the hell d’ya think you’re doing?”
Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, “G’day Bruce. Ya got me pregnant and so now I’m gonna kill myself.”
Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this. “Sheila,” he says “Not only are you great in bed, but you’re a real sport too.” and drives off.
FROM AN AUTHENTIC LETTER SENT TO DEAR DEIRDRE ADVICE COLUMN
I am a sailor in the merchant navy. My parents live in South Auckland and one of my sisters, who lives in Rotorua, is married to a guy from Cairns. My Father and Mother have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my two sisters, who are prostitutes. I have two brothers, one who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in prison for the rape and murder of a teenage boy, the other currently being held on remand centre on charges of incest with his three children. I have recently become engaged to marry a former Thai prostitute who indeed is still a part time “working girl” in a brothel, however, her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an STD. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel with my fiancee utilising her knowledge of the industry working as the manager. I am hoping my two sisters would be interested in joining our team. Although I would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and hopefully the heroin.
My problem is this: I love my fiancee and look forward to bringing her into the family and of course I want to be totally honest with her. Should I tell her about my brother-in-law being an Aussie ?
A 90-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual check up. The doctor asked him how he’s feeling. The 90-year-old says, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor considers his question for a minute and then begins, “I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella instead of his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime bear sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, ‘Bang, bang and the bear fell over dead. What do you think of that?”
The 90-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else shot that bear.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, “Remember the first time I met you over 50 yrs ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and we made passionate love.”
“Why, yes, I remember it well, dear,” replies the little old lady with a grin.
“Well, for old times’ sake, let’s go there again, and try again.”
The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard their conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to follow the two old pensioners. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady gets herself ready and the reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic action the man has ever seen.
The little old folk set a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don’t move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this – not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, “If only I could carry on like that now, let alone in 50 years’ time!”
The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioners. He says, “Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody act like that, particularly at your age. What’s your secret? Was it like that 50 years ago?”
The pensioner replies, “Son, 50 years ago, that fence wasn’t electrified!”
The Burgs’ were shown into the dentist’s office, where Mr. Burg made it clear he was in a big hurry.
“No fancy stuff, Doctor,” he ordered.
“No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.”
“I wish more of my patients were as easy as you,” said the dentist. “Now, which tooth is it?”
Mr. Burg turned to his wife Bonnie.
“Show him your tooth, Honey.”
A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his check-up, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die.
“Each morning fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant and make sure he’s in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Do not burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don’t discuss your problems with him it will only make him stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of back rubs. Encourage him to watch some type of sporting event on T.V. And most importantly make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim.
“If you can do this for 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.”
On the way home the husband asked his wife, “What did the doctor say?”
“You’re going to die.” she replied.
John invited his mother over for dinner to meet his roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful John’s roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and his roommate that met the eye. Reading his mom’s thoughts, John volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates.”
About a week later, Julie came to John saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find my beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”
“Well, I doubt it, but I’ll email her, just to be sure.”
So he sat down and wrote:
I’m not saying that you ‘did’ take the gravy ladle from my house, I’m not saying that you ‘did not’ take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love John
Several days later, John received an email from his mother which read:
I’m not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with Julie, and I’m not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.
“Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomach ache and my legs hurt. I not come work.”
So I says: “You know Charlie I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her to give me love. That makes me feel better and I can go to work. You should try that.”
Two hours later Charlie calls: “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great, I be at work soon. You got nice house!”
While riding one day a cowboy met an Indian riding along on his horse with a dog and a sheep and began a conversation.
Cowboy: “Hey, cool dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?”
Indian: “Dog no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey dog, how’s it going?”
Dog: “Doin’ alright.”
Indian: *look of shock*
Cowboy: “Is this Indian your owner?” pointing at the Indian.
Cowboy: “How does he treat you?”
Dog: “Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.”
Indian: (look of total disbelief)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your horse?”
Indian: “Horse no talk.”
Cowboy: “Hey horse, how’s it going?”
Indian: Extreme look of shock.
Cowboy: “Is this your owner? (Pointing at the Indian.)
Horse: “Yes sir”
Cowboy: “How’s he treating you?”
Horse: “Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me.”
Indian: (Total look of utter amazement.)
Cowboy: “Mind if I talk to your sheep?”
Indian: “Sheep liar.”
A defence lawyer was cross-examining a Chicago police officer during a felony trial-it went like this:
- Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
- No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
- Officer, who provided this description?
- The officer who responded to the scene.
- A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
- Yes sir, with my life.
- With your life? Let me ask you this then officer-do you have a locker room in the police station – a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
- Yes sir, we do.
- And do you have a locker in that room?
- Yes sir, I do.
- And do you have a lock on your locker?
- Yes sir.
- Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers?
- You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.
With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
A young executive was leaving the office at 6 p.m. When he found the MD standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.
“Listen,” said the MD, “this is a very sensitive and important document, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?”
“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.
“Excellent, excellent!” said the MD as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”
Never, never assume that your BOSS knows everything.
An American and a Japanese were sitting on the plane on the way to LA when the American turned to the Japanese and asked, “What kind of -ese are you?”
The Japanese confused, replied, “Sorry but I don’t understand what you mean.”
The American repeated, “What kind of -ese are you?”
Again, the Japanese was confused over the question.
The American, now irritated, then yell, “What kind of -ese are you? Are you a Chinese, Japanese, Vietnamese, etc…”
The Japanese then replied, “Oh, I am a Japanese.”
A while later the Japanese turned to the American and asked what kind of ‘ -key’ was he. The American, frustrated, yelled,”What do you mean what kind of ‘-key’ am I ?!”
The Japanese said, “Are you a monkey, donkey or a Yankee?”
Lesson: Never insult anyone.
A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Mr Schwartz, he made an amazing discovery Schwartz had the longest private part he had ever seen!
“I’m sorry, Mr Schwartz,” said the mortician, “but I can’t send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be saved for posterity.”
And with that the coroner used his scalpel to remove the dead man’s privates. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. “I have something to show you that you won’t believe,” he said, opening his briefcase.
“Oh, my God!” she screamed, “Schwartz is dead!”
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door. “Hurry!” she said. “Stand in the corner!”
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. “Don’t move until I tell you to,” she whispered. “Just pretend you’re a statue.”
“What’s this, honey?” the husband inquired as he entered the room.
“Oh, it’s just a statue,” she replied nonchalantly. “The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too.”
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around 2 a.m., the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. “Here,” he said to the statue,”eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths’ for three days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water.”
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bartender and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir,” replies the bartender. “That’ll be 1 penny.”
“ONE PENNY!” exclaims the customer.
The barman replies, “Yes.”
So the guy glances over the menu and asks, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak with chips, peas and a fried egg?”
“Certainly, sir,” replies the bartender, “but all that comes to real money.”
“How much money?” inquires the guy.
“Four pennies,” the bartender replies.
“FOUR PENNIES!” exclaims the guy. “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”
The bartender replies, “Upstairs with my wife.”
The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”
The bartender replies, “Same as I’m doing to his business.”
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining a candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him from his slumber. He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly, “My darling Becky,” he whispered.
“Hush, my love,” she said. “Rest. Shhh, don’t talk.”
He was insistent. “Becky,” he said in his tired voice, “I have something I must confess to you.”
“There’s nothing to confess,” replied the weeping Becky.
“Everything’s all right. Go to sleep.”
“No, no, I must die in peace, Becky. I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your mother!”
“I know,” Becky whispered softly, “That’s why I poisoned you.”
An elderly gent was invited to his old friend’s home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded every request to his wife with endearing terms – “Honey,” “My Love,” “Darling,” “Sweetheart,” “Pumpkin,” etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love. While the wife was in the kitchen, the man leaned over and said to his host, “I think it’s wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving pet names.”
The old man hung his head. “I have to tell you the truth,” he said. “I forgot her name about 10 years ago.”
A man was celebrating his 90th birthday when he answered a knock at the door. There was a beautiful blonde in a leather coat who gave him a kiss and wished him Happy Birthday. Then she said, “I’ve come to offer you super sex.”
He faltered for a moment before replying, “I’ll take the soup first please, then we can see how we go. Some years back things would have been very different”.
A plane is on its way to London when a blonde in Economy Class gets up and moves to the First Class section and sits down. The flight attendant watches her do this and asks to see her ticket. She then tells the blonde that she paid for Economy and that she will have to sit in the back. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to London and I’m staying right here!”
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in First Class who belongs in Economy and won’t move back to her seat. The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for Economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to London and I’m staying right here!”
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when they land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason. The pilot says, “You say she’s blonde? I’ll handle this. I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde.”
He goes back to the blonde, whispers in her ear, and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and she gets up and moves back to her seat in the Economy section.
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without any fuss. “I told her First Class isn’t going to London.”
A woman takes her 16-year-old daughter to the doctor. The doctor says, “Okay, Mrs. Jones, what’s the problem?”
The mother says, “It’s my daughter, Debbie. She keeps getting these cravings, she’s putting on weight, and is sick most mornings.”
The doctor gives Debbie a good examination, then turns to the mother and says, “Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but your Debbie is pregnant – about 4 months, would be my guess.”
The mother says, “Pregnant? She can’t be, she has never ever been left alone with a man! Have you Debbie?” Debbie says, “No mother! I’ve never even kissed a man!”
The doctor walked over to the window and just stares out it. About five minutes pass and finally the mother says, “Is there something wrong out there doctor?”
The doctor replies, “No, not really, it’s just that the last time anything like this happened, a star appeared in the east and three wise men came over the hill. And there’s no way I’m going to miss it!”
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read: “Don’t Miss The Amazing Italian.”
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the centre ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian. Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.
Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, “Don’t Miss The Amazing Italian.”
He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket. Again, the huge ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member. The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. “You’re incredible!” he told the Italian, “But I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?”
“Well,” said the Italian, “My eyes aren’t what they used to be.”
Mrs. Ward goes to the doctor’s office to collect her husband’s test results. The lab tech says to her, “I’m sorry, ma’am, but there has been a big mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent your husband’s samples to the lab, the samples from another Mr. Ward were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your husband’s. Frankly, it is either bad or terrible.”
“What do you mean?” Mrs. Ward asked.
“Well, one has tested positive for Alzheimer’s and the other for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your husband.”
“That’s terrible! Can we do the test over?” questioned Mrs. Ward.
“Normally, yes. But the NHS won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?”
“The people at the Hospital recommend that you drop your husband off in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don’t share a bed with him.”
There was a Frenchman, an Englishman and beautiful young woman sitting together in a carriage in a train going through a France. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and, as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark. Suddenly there was a kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel the woman and the Englishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Frenchman had his hand against his face where he had been slapped.
The Frenchman was thinking: “The English fella must have kissed her and she missed him and slapped me instead.” The woman was thinking: “The French fellow must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Englishman and got slapped for it.”
And the Englishman was thinking: “This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I’ll make another kissing noise and slap that Frenchman again.”
After getting all of Pope John Paul’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices that the Pope is still standing on the curb.
“Excuse me, Your Holiness,” says the driver, “Would you please take your seat so we can leave?”
“Well, to tell you the truth,” says the Pope, they never let me drive at the Vatican, and I’d really like to drive today.”
“I’m sorry but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! And what if something should happen?” Protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.
“There might be something extra in it for you,” says the Pope.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 105 mph.
“Please slow down, Your Holiness!” pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
“Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my licence,” moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio. “I need to talk to the Chief,” he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going a hundred and five.
“So bust him,” says the Chief.
“I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important, ” said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, “All the more reason!”
“No, I mean really important,” said the cop.
The Chief then asked, “Who ya got there, the Mayor?”
“Well,” said the Chief, “Who is it?”
Cop: “I think it’s God!”
Chief. “What makes you think it’s God?”
Cop. “He’s got the Pope as his chauffeur!’
Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place.
First guy: “You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.”
Second guy: “That’s nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.”
Third guy: “Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.”
They continued to fish, then they realised that the fourth guy has not said a word, so they ask him,”You haven’t said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend. What’s the deal?”
Fourth guy: “I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, “Fishing or Sex?” and she said, “Wear a Sweater it is cold out there”
A young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. “Impossible,” says the doctor. “Show me.”
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, “You’re not really a redhead are you?”
“No,” she says, “I’m actually a blonde.”
I thought so,” the doctor says. “Your finger is broken…”
Far away in the tropical waters of the Caribbean, two prawns were swimming around in the sea – one called Justin and the other called Christian. The prawns were constantly being harassed and threatened by sharks that inhabited the area. Finally one day Justin said to Christian, “I’m fed up with being a prawn, I wish I was a shark, then I wouldn’t have any worries about being eaten.”
A large mysterious cod appeared and said, “Your wish is granted”, and lo and behold, Justin turned into a shark. Horrified, Christian immediately swam away, afraid of being eaten by his old mate.
Time passed (as it invariably does) and Justin found life as a shark boring and lonely. All his old mates simply swam away whenever he came close to them. Justin didn’t realise that his new menacing appearance was the cause of his sad plight.
While swimming alone one day he saw the mysterious cod again and he thought perhaps the mysterious fish could change him back into a prawn. He approached the cod and begged to be changed back, and, lo and behold, he found himself turned back into a prawn. With tears of joy in his tiny little eyes Justin swam back to his friends and bought them all a cocktail. Looking around the gathering at the reef he realised he couldn’t see his old pal. “Where’s Christian?” he asked. “He’s at home, still distraught
that his best friend changed sides to the enemy and became a shark”, came the reply.
Eager to put things right again and end the mutual pain and torture, he set off to Christian’s abode. As he opened the coral gate memories came flooding back. He banged on the door and shouted, “It’s me, Justin, your old friend, come out and see me again.”
Christian replied, “No way man, you’ll eat me. You’re now a shark, the enemy, and I’ll not be tricked into being your dinner.”
Justin cried back “No, I’m not. That was the old me. I’ve changed. I’ve found Cod. I’m a prawn again Christian”.
Billy was at school this morning in the outback and the teacher asked all the children what there fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, Fireman, Policeman, Salesman, Chippy, Captain of Industry etc, but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father. “My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”
The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.
“No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for Australia but I was just too embarrassed to say.”
A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam. The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
“Breast-fed” she replied.
“Well, strip down to your waist,” the doctor ordered. She did.
He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, he said, “No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.”
“I know,” she said, “I’m his Grandma, but I’m glad I came.”
A Polish man emigrated to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him – “very quick.”
The lawyer said that the speed for
getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions:-
LAWYER: “Have you any grounds?”
POLE: “Ja, Ja, acre and half, and nice little home.”
LAWYER: “No,” I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
POLE: “It made of concrete.”
LAWYER: “Does either of you have a real grudge?”
POLE: “No, we have carport, and not need one.”
LAWYER: “I mean, what are your relations like?”
POLE: “All my relations still in Poland.”
LAWYER: “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
POLE: “Ja, we have hi-fidelity stereo set and good DVD player.”
LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?”
POLE: “No, I always up before her.”
LAWYER: “Is your wife a nagger?”
POLE: “No, she white.”
LAWYER: “WHY do you want this divorce?”
POLE: “She going to kill me.”
LAWYER: “What makes you think that?”
POLE: “I got ze proof.”
LAWYER: “What kind of proof?”
POLE: “She going poison me…..” “She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say, ‘Polish Remover’.”
An elderly Italian man, who lived on the outskirts of Monte Casino, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said, “Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied, “That was a heroic thing you did, my son! And you have no need to confess that.”
“It’s worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours.”
The priest said, “By doing that, you were both committing sin. However, two people under those circumstances can be very tempted. But, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. But I do have one more question ”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
God said, “Adam, I want you to do something for me.”
Adam said, ‘”Gladly, Lord, what do you want me to do?”
God said, “Go down into that valley.”
Adam said, “What’s a valley?”
God explained it to him. Then God said, “Cross the river.”
Adam said, “What’s a river?”
God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill…”
Adam said, ‘What is a hill?’
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a
Adam said, “What’s a cave?”
After God explained, he said, “In the cave, you will find a woman.”
Adam said, “What’s a woman?”
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, “I want you to reproduce.”
Adam said, “How do I do that?”
God first said (under His breath), “Geez…..” And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman. Then, in about five minutes, he was back. God, His patience
Wearing thin, said angrily, ‘What is it now?’
And Adam said, “What’s a headache?”
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, “No.”
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The session finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, “You finish?”
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, “No.”
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength,he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, “You
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear, “No, I Norwegian.”
The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex. Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.
The doctor told her that teenagers today were very wilful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.
Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the mother told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms. The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother, saying,”Oh mum! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!”
A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand. He said, “Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!”
The preacher said, “Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.”
The man said, “I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!”
The preacher said, “No shit?”
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Gee, Mom,” he exclaimed, “for me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman. She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.
Brought before the court on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her own defense.”Your Honor,” she began coolly, “I figured that at 92, if he could make love, he could fly.”
A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa.”The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.
“High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. However, there is one thing that’s the most dangerous of all and we all have eaten, or will eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?”
After several seconds of quiet, a 75-year-old man in the front row raised his hand, and softly said, “Wedding Cake.”
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the Country Club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25-year-old blonde-haired woman who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm and who hangs over Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At their very first chance, they corner him and ask, “Bob, how’d you get the trophy girlfriend?” Bob replied, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re knocked over, but continue to ask: “So, how’d you persuade her to marry you?”
“I lied about my age,” Bob replied. “What? Did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiled and said, “No, I told her I was 90.”
Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Switzerland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce” She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea. As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’
Pointing to the bowl.
‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.’
These suggestions should be read by us reaching our golden years. They have been collected from many a senior, each with his or her own piece of advice. Some you know, some may surprise you, and some will remind you of what’s important.
So read well, share with your loved ones, and have a great day and a great life!
- It’s time to use the money you saved up. Use it and enjoy it. Don’t just keep it for those who may have no notion of the sacrifices you made to get it. Remember there is nothing more dangerous than a son or daughter-in-law with big ideas for your hard earned capital. Warning: This is also a bad time for an investment, even if it seems wonderful or fool-proof. They only bring problems and worries and this is a time for you to enjoy some peace and quiet.
- Stop worrying about the financial situation of your children and grandchildren, and don’t feel bad spending your money on yourself. You’ve taken care of them for many years, and you’ve taught them what you could. You gave them an education, food, shelter and support. The responsibility is now theirs to earn their own money.
- Keep a healthy life, without great physical effort. Do moderate exercise (like walking every day), eat well and get your sleep. It’s easy to become sick, and it gets harder to remain healthy. That is why you need to keep yourself in good shape and be aware of your medical and physical needs. Keep in touch with your doctor, get tested even when you’re feeling well. Stay informed.
- Always buy the best, most beautiful items for your significant other. The key goal is to enjoy your money with your partner. One day one of you will miss the other, and the money will not provide any comfort then, enjoy it together.
- Don’t stress over the little things. You’ve already overcome so much in your life. You have good memories and bad ones, but the important thing is the present. Don’t let the past drag you down and don’t let the future frighten you. Feel good in the now. Small issues will soon be forgotten.
- Regardless of age, always keep love alive. Love your partner, love life, love your family, love your neighbor and remember: “A man is not old as long as he has intelligence and affection.”
- Be proud, both inside and out. Don’t stop going to your hair salon or barber, do your nails, go to the dermatologist and the dentist, keep your perfumes and creams well stocked. When you are well-maintained on the outside, it seeps in, making you feel proud and strong.
- Don’t lose sight of fashion trends for your age, but keep your own sense of style. There’s nothing worse than an older person trying to wear the current fashion among youngsters. You’ve developed your own sense of what looks good on you – keep it and be proud of it. It’s part of who you are.
- ALWAYS stay up-to-date. Read newspapers, watch the news. Go online and read what people are saying. Make sure you have an active email account and try to use some of those social networks. You’ll be surprised which old friends you’ll meet. Keeping in touch with what is going on and with the people you know is important at any age.
- Respect the younger generation and their opinions. They may not have the same ideals as you, but they are the future, and will take the world in their direction. Give advice, not criticism, and try to remind them of yesterday’s wisdom that still applies today.
- Never use the phrase: “In my time”. Your time is now. As long as you’re alive, you are part of this time. You may have been younger, but you are still you now, having fun and enjoying life.
- Some people embrace their golden years, while others become bitter and surly. Life is too short to waste your days on the latter. Spend your time with positive, cheerful people, it’ll rub off on you and your days will seem that much better. Spending your time with bitter people will make you older and harder to be around.
- Do not surrender to the temptation of living with your children or grandchildren. Sure, being surrounded by family sounds great, but we all need our privacy. They need theirs and you need yours. If you’ve lost your partner (our deepest condolences), then find a person to move in with you and help out. Even then, do so only if you feel you really need the help or do not want to live alone.
- Don’t abandon your hobbies. If you don’t have any, make new ones. You can travel, hike, cook, read, dance. You can adopt a cat or a dog, grow a garden, play cards, checkers, chess, dominoes, golf. You can paint, volunteer at an NGO or just collect certain items.. Find something you like and spend some real time having fun with it.
- If you’ve been offended by someone – forgive them. If you’ve offended someone – apologize. Don’t drag around resentment with you. It only serves to make you sad and bitter. It doesn’t matter who was right. Someone once said: “Holding a grudge is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die.” Don’t take that poison. Forgive, forget and move on with your life.
- If you have a strong belief, savor it. But don’t waste your time trying to convince others. They will make their own choices no matter what you tell them, and it will only bring you frustration. Live your faith and set an example. Live true to your beliefs and let that memory sway them.
- Laugh. Laugh A LOT. Laugh at everything. Remember, you are one of the lucky ones. You managed to have a life, a long one. Many never get to this age, never get to experience a full life. But you did. So what’s not to laugh about? Find the humor in your situation.
- Take no notice of what others say about you and even less notice of what they might be thinking. They’ll do it anyway, and you should have pride in yourself and what you’ve achieved. Let them talk and don’t worry. They have no idea about your history, your memories and the life you’ve lived so far. There’s still much to be written, so get busy writing and don’t waste time thinking about what others might think. Now is the time to be at rest, at peace and as happy as you can be!