Old Jokes

The  boss walked into the office one morning not knowing his  zipper was down and his fly area wide open.  His assistant walked up to  him and said, ‘This morning when you left your house, did  you close your garage door?’ The boss told her he knew he’d  closed the garage door, and walked into his office puzzled  by the  question.   As he finished his paperwork,  he suddenly noticed his fly was open, and zipped it  up. 

He then understood his assistant’s question about  his ‘garage door.’ He  headed out for a cup of coffee and paused by her desk to ask, ‘When my garage  door was open, did you see my Jaguar parked in there?’  She  smiled and said, ‘No, I didn’t. All I saw was an old minivan with two flat  tires…’



Two  elderly gentlemen from a  retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when  one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now  and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you  feel?’ 

Slim  says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’

‘Really!?  Like a newborn baby!?’ 

‘Yep.  No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my  pants.’



A senior  citizen said to  his eighty-year old buddy: ‘So  I hear you’re getting married?’ 


‘Do  I know her?’ 


‘This  woman, is she good looking?’ 

‘Not  really.’ 

‘Is  she a good cook?’ 

‘Naw,  she can’t cook too well.’ 

‘Does  she have lots of money?’ 

‘Nope!  Poor as a church mouse.’  

‘Well,  then, is she good in bed?’ 

‘I  don’t know.’ 

‘Why  in the world do you want to marry her then?’ 

‘Because  she can still drive!’



Three old  guys are out  walking. 

First  one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’ 

Second  one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’ 

Third  one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer..’



A  man was  telling his neighbour, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. 

It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of  the art.It’s perfect.’ 

‘Really,’  answered the neighbour . ‘What kind is it?’ 

‘ Twelve-thirty…’



Morris,  an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. 

A  few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous  young woman on his arm. 

A  couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really  doing great, aren’t you?”

Morris  replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be  cheerful.” 

The  doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be  careful.”



A  little old man shuffled  slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up  onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a  banana split. The  waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’ 

‘No,’  he replied, ‘Arthritis.’

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