Marriage Jokes

Air Bag Pet names Poison Not this time Just desserts Memories Retired Husband Smart Lady If the trousers fit Good Question Press 9 Moth Catcher Golf Genie The Old Mule The Elements Book Titles The First Headache Marriage in Heaven Groom can’t sign Men are Happier Before it starts The Silent Treatment Slip of the tongue Marriage on Facebook Emotional Needs Marriage Secrets Surprise ring Bridal Registry Marriage Rules 2 meaning words Interchange Ship home Example Tramp Wife Returns What women want A man’s wish How many times Understand Your Man The Affair Prince Charming Rules by Men Love Dress Technical Support Last Gift Cuckoo Clock Good Trade Several Husbands Financial Planning Assassin Needed To Be 6 Again Just a Wee Bit BBQ Rules Blonde MenThe Wedding TestBlack UnderwearI fired my secretaryBedtime Memory ProblemCruise DiaryThe Wrong DietA Sheila goes missingJust One WishComputer GendersThe LecturerThe Man about the HouseSpouse StoreI married his exRalph and EdnaTest of SocratesFinally TogetherPunctuation is powerfulToo ShortInterested GorillaMarriage ComplimentsMarriage and MathsHusband walked in doorOn a Desert IslandMarried Fancy Dress Four Weddings Washing Dishes Caught in the Act



‘The critical period in marriage is breakfast time.’

A.P. Herbert 


‘I married beneath me.  All women do’

Nancy Astor


‘Bigamy is having one husband too many.  Monogamy is the same.’

‘Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.’

Benjamin Franklin


‘When God created man, she was only joking.’


Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked,  “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented.

She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?’


‘A man in love is in complete until he is married.  And then he is finished.’

Zsa Zsa Gabor


‘I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.’

Zsa Zsa Gabor


‘The trouble with being the best man is that you don’t get a chance to prove it.’

Les Murray


‘It doesn’t much matter who one marries, for the next morning one is sure to find it was someone else.’

Samuel Rogers


‘I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.’

Groucho Marx


‘My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.’

Jimmy Durante


It is important to find a woman who works around the house, cooks and cleans and who has a job.

It is important to find a woman who makes you laugh.

It is important to find a woman who is dependable and doesn’t lie.

It is important to find a woman who is loving and tender



A husband and wife are shopping when the man picks up a crate of beer and sticks it on their trolley. “What do you think you’re doing?” asks the wife.

“They’re on offer, only £10 for twelve cans!” he explains.

“Put them back. We can’t afford it!” insists the wife and they carry on shopping. A few aisles later, the wife picks up a £20 jar of face cream and sticks it on their trolley.

“What do you think you’re doing?” asks the man, indignantly.

“It’s my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,” she says.



Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.


Why Men Have Better Friends

Friendship between Women: A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between Men: A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends, eight of which confirmed that he had slept over, and two said that he was still there.


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy; if you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.



An English professor wrote the words: ” A woman without her man is nothing” on the chalkboard and asked his students to punctuate it correctly. All of the males in the class wrote: “A woman, without her man, is nothing.” All the females in the class wrote: “A woman: without her, man is nothing.” Punctuation is powerful!

No English dictionary has been able to adequately explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. However, in a recent linguistic conference held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world: Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese, was the clear winner. His final challenge was this: “Some say there is no difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED. Please explain the difference between COMPLETE and FINISHED in a way that is easy to understand.”

Here is his astute answer:”When you marry the right woman, you are COMPLETE. But, when you marry the wrong woman, you are FINISHED. And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are COMPLETELY FINISHED!”


Four Weddings

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just got married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation. “He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“Interesting,” the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that: She had first married a banker when she was in her 20’s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40’s, and a preacher when in her 60’s, and now in her 80’s – a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers?

She smiled and explained: “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go!”



Store that Sells New Husbands
A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the ‘Husband Store’ to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 – These men have jobs
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
‘That’s nice,’ she thinks, ‘but I want more.’
So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking.
‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with housework.
‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.


To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a ‘New Wives Store’ just across the street.
The First Floor has wives that love sex.
The Second Floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The Third, Fourth, Fifth and Sixth Floors have never been visited.



A hotel guest calls the front desk and the receptionist answers, “May I help you?”

The man says, “Yes, I’m in room 418. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I’m having an argument with my wife and she says she’s going to jump out of the window.”

Receptionist says, “I’m sorry sir, but that’s a personal matter.”

The man replies, “Listen, you fool. The window won’t open… that’s a Maintenance matter.”


He turns to his wife in bed and whispers “Did you know it’s National Orgasm Day?”

“Oh, what a pity,” she smiled, “Right in the middle of National Headache Week!”


Dave woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

“Marilyn,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”

“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors and you insulted the Chairman of the company, right to his face.”

“He’s an asshole*,” Dave said. “I could piss* on him.”

“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”

“Well, fu*k him then” said Dave.

“I did”, said Marilyn, “You’re back at work on Monday ….”

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