Humour

A laugh is like sunshine, it freshens all the day

• Laughter is the music of the soul

• There was a tortoise called Joe
  Whose progress was painfully slow.
  He'd stop for a week,
  Look around, take a peek,
  Then unlike a shot, off he'd go.  Michael Palin 

• Dear Lord of hosts

  Dear Lord Divine

  Who turneth the water into wine

  Please bless this band of lesser men

  Who can only turn it back again.

• A laugh is just like sunshine,
  It freshens all the day,
  It tips the peak of life with light,
  And drives the clouds away.
  The soul grows glad that hears it
  And feels its courage strong.
  A laugh is just like sunshine
  For cheering folks along.
  A laugh is just like music.
  It lingers in the heart,
  And where its melody is heard
  The ills of life depart;
  And happy thoughts come crowding
  Its joyful notes to greet:
  A laugh is just like music
  For making living sweet.

• Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.

• THE SENILITY PRAYER Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,
  the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

• If you started out with nothing then you still have most of it.

• You can't turn back the clock - but you can wind it up again.

• Whenever I feel like exercising - I lie down till the feeling passes.

• How can you possibly find your glasses without your glasses?

• One evening in October, when I was one-third sober, 
  An' taking home a 'load' with manly pride; 
  My poor feet began to stutter, so I lay down in the gutter, 
  And a pig came up an' lay down by my side; 
  Then we sang 'It's all fair weather when good fellows get together,' 
  Till a lady passing by was heard to say: 
  'You can tell a man who "boozes" by the company he chooses' 
  And the pig got up and slowly walked away.

• I went to a bookshop and  asked for 'The Self Help Section'.  The assistant said 'If I tell you it will defeat the purpose'.

• Admonishing a young boy, the school teacher said, "Rodney, when I was your age, I was told that, if I pulled ugly faces, the wind might change and I would stay like that for ever." To which the youngster replied, "Well, miss, you can't say you weren't warned!"

• "Do you believe in life after death? the boss asked one of his employees.
  "Yes" replied the employee. "That's OK then" said the boss  "Because while you were at your grandmother's funeral yesterday, she popped in to see you".

• If all is not lost, where is it?

• Kids in the back seats cause accidents and accidents in the back seats cause kids

• Choose your rut carefully because you are in it a very long time.  The only difference between a rut and the grave is the depth.

• An Irish queer is a man who prefers women to drink.

• Incontinence Hotline? - can you hold, please!

• "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." Winston Churchill

• I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."  Eleanor Roosevelt